Love, Drugs and Cancer

Chapter 4: Three Little Words

Three days had gone by since my last date with Cole. Today is the day that I'm going to that fancy dinner. Today is also the day that I'm going to figure out if I still have cancer. I'll figure out if that pain and sickness and lying was worth it. Or I'll find out if I need more. 

I went into my last chemo treatment before the results with a new negative outlook. I felt so sure that I was going to die. There's no doubt in my mind. I'm more sure than ever that I'm going to die, but at the beginning of this week, I didn't care about my death. I welcomed Death with open arms, not caring about anything except my mother's tears and my funeral arrangements. Now, I could care less about the funeral arrangements. I still care about my mother's tears. She visits me almost everyday, and she always comes in crying. I don't think how much longer I can see my mother in pain. As long as I'm alive, my mother will be in pain. When I die, my mother will again be in pain. But at least the pain will fade eventually. The pain of wondering will never leave my mom, as long as I'm alive.

I also care about Cole. Magnificent Cole. Never had anyone taken my breath away like that. I never believed in love at first site. Not until I saw him. I barely believed in love. But here I am, deep in love. So deep that I don't think I could dig myself out, even if I wanted to. I want to spend the rest of my life with Cole. Of course, that sentence means much less when your expecting yourself to die in the next few months, but if I didn't have cancer, I would still be thinking that. 

Everyday, I wish taht I wasn't lying to Cole. But I still can't bring myself to tell him the truth. I've been thinking about telling him tonight, at our dinner. But I don't want to ruin it. Then there's the thing that's made me hesitate this entire time. I don't want him to think that I'm a liar. Which I am, of course. Sure, I may have lied for good reason at the time, but now I'm just being petty. I need to tell him. I need to tell him.

I'll never convince  myself to actually do it, though. When I finally tell him about my AML, it'll be when he figures it out himself or when I'm dead. I guess I won't exactly be telling him about that, though.

Emily walked into my room "Ready for your last day of chemo?"

I laughed. "This isn't my last day of chemo. It's my last day of chemo before I get my test results. The ones that say that the chemo hasn't done anything. Then you guys are going to give me different, probably higher, dosages of different medicines. Then when it still doesn't work, I'll go home and wait for myself to die."

Emily frowned. "You can't think like that. I told you, if your mind doesn't hope to stay alive, your body isn't going to want to stay alive."

"I never said that I didn't want to live. Although I can give you a few reasons why it would simply be easier. I'm just saying that I won't." I replied, knowing that my comment was sort of a lie. Emily knew it too. But she decided to not reply.

After my chemo, I rushed back to my room to get ready. Usually, I have at least an hour of recovery time before I have to start getting ready. But not today. Cole's meeting me here in less than an hour. I grabbed the hot pink dress that my mom brought for me, without her knowing why. I dabbed on a little make-up, put on my wig and starting getting obsessive.

By the time I was finally satisfied, it was time for Cole to pick me up. In fact, it was past time. By five minutes.

"Crap." I muttered, quickly grabbing my high heels and running out of the room, towards the front doors of the hospital. 

As I went, people were giving me strange looks. It's not everyday that you see a girl running through a hospital wearing an expensive dress. I decided to take the stairs down, instead of the elevator, to avoid running into Emily or Dr. Smith. Emily would disapprove highly and drag me right back to the room. Dr. Smith would be shocked and would probably do the same.