Love, Drugs and Cancer

Chapter 9: Flirting with the Ledge

*Sorry about the short chapter*

Two days passed. Cole still never came.

I found myself become more and more emotionally unstable. I didn't realize how  much I relied on Cole to be there for me. Now, without him, life is starting to become unbearable. 

I've now heard  more of the story about my "neutropenic sepsis." I don't remember anything between passing out and then being rushed through a hallway. In between there, I woke back up, started to scream at Emily again about how she doesn't know anything about me or Cole. Then I told her to take her opinions and shove them up... a place.  After that I proceeded to smash the window with my hand. I have a few stitches and the window has  now been replaced with something that can be opened, which is a nice change. Then I started to tell her that I hurt. At first, she thought I meant my hand, but then I started to hyperventilate and she realized what was going on. 

Then I was rushed to an emergency room. Which is when I came to.

So now here I am, expecting chemo results 5 days from now. I keep going through the motions of chemo, throw up, sleep, cry. Not always in that order, but it's what my life consists of. I literally do nothing else. Sometimes I go to my new window and open it up, letting fresh air come in. I look down to the street below me. I'm about 8 stories up. The fall is a long way down.

At first, I just opened the window. But things started to progress. Hours without Cole came and went and life got harder. After that, I started to sit on the ledge, my feet dangling to the abyss below, imagining what it would be like to jump. Would I be scared? No, I wouldn't be. I think I would be relieved. Feeling nothing is so much better than feeling pain.

I only fantasize about simply scooting one inch forward and falling those 8 stories. Never do I actually consider it. I don't know why, really. I'm totally miserable. But something stops me.

One of these times that I was dangling off the edge, it was probably near 8 o clock at night. It was dark out. People from the ground can't see me up here, since I turned off my hospital room lights. 

"Sam." A voice called out.

The voice scared me so bad that I just about slipped off the edge. The only thing that stopped me was the arms that went around my waist and pulled me back into the hospital room. The voice of the man sounded really familiar, almost like Cole's. In the shadows of the dark room, I could barely see the man, but he looked like Cole. Yet, I could tell it wasn't Cole because the hands around my waist didn't feel like Cole's. They were James' hands.

James went and turned on the hospital room lights. I had to blink for a few seconds before I could get re-adjusted. 

"What were you doing dangling off the edge of your window?" James asked, almost sounding angry.

"I wasn't actually going to do it. I just like the fresh air and I like to think about what it would be like." I reply, knowing that it sounds like a lie.

"Well you can understand how I would think that you were about to jump, all things considering." James said. "I've been calling into the hospital. I even walked in myself one time and met your nurse, Emily. I know everything that's been happening that last couple days."

"So you're familiar with the fact that I died?" I asked, knowing that I sounded harsh. I didn't mean to, but that's how it came out.  I sat down on the hospital bed. 

"Yeah, I am." He sat down in the chair that Cole sat in so frequently, holding my hand, telling me that everything was going to be okay. I started to tear up thinking about him.

"How's Cole?" I asked.

James' face sunk. "That's one of the reasons I'm here. I was wondering if you had talked to him since you were at our house."

I shook my head. 

"After you told me about how he's been doing drugs, he looked really upset. He said that he was tired and that he wanted to go to bed. I didn't want to pester him. So I let him go to bed and I figured that I would talk to him in the morning. But when morning came around, he was gone. Some of his clothes were gone, plus some food and water."

The tears that had been lingering behind my lids now spilled over. Cole's missing.

"Did you file a police report?" I asked. 

"Yes. I went to the police department and filed the report. But everyone in the building was rushing trying to find a 6 year old girl. I told them to not worry about Cole until they found the girl first. Cole left the house willingly and he's 17. Smart, too. He can take care of himself." James replied.

I nodded. I wonder what Cole's been doing. Dealing drugs? Doing them himself? I felt so extremely hopeless, not knowing where he is. I looked at my cell phone on the nightstand. I never tried to call Cole. Would he answer?

"Is he mad at me?" I asked. "For telling you."

"I honestly don't know." James said. "But I'll tell you this. Cole has never had a girlfriend."

I laughed. "Yeah, right."

"No, I'm being serious. He's had persuers before, yes, but never had a girlfriend. He told me that none of them felt special to him. He's a strong believer in that all relationships should end with a marriage. So he never dated anyone because he couldn't see himself marrying them."

"So you're telling me that Cole can see himself marrying me?"  I asked.

"Otherwise, he never would've asked you out." 

Cole knew that he wanted to marry me. Since the second he saw me. 

"Then why hasn't he come to see me?"

"Shame, I'd say." James replied. "Look, I have to go. I have to work." He stood and started walking out the door. Just before he left, he turned and looked at me. "Please keep on fighting. I wonder what would've happened to my wife if she gave up more of a fight." And with that, he was gone. 

At this point, I was balling my eyes out. I got up and turned off the light of the room. Without even thinking about anything, I made my way over to the window and opened it up. In the back of my throat, I was making a choking/sobbing sound that's extremely unattractive. I sat on the ledge as always and looked below at the street. I didn't want to keep fighting. I simply wanted to give up. I prepared myself to jump off the ledge to me death.

That's when I saw him. 

His back was to me, but I didn't need to see his face to know. The street lights reflected off of his black hair. Since my room light was off, I knew that no one would be able to see me on the ledge, but I could see everything down below. 

Cole seemed to be just walking out of the hospital. A stuffed backpack was slung over his shoulder. He crossed the street, clearly having a mission of going somewhere. He started to walk away when he turned around and looked up towards the hospital. He looked straight at me. I wondered if he actually could see me. I bet if you looked hard enough, you could see my silloutte.

"Cole..." I whispered. 

It was as if Cole heard me. He waved his hand before walking away and dissapearing into the shadows.

With that, I slid back inside of my hospital room. 

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