Love, Drugs and Cancer

Chapter 8: Breaking down

I feel like my entire life is falling down around me.

Three days have passed since my visit with Cole's father, James. Three days since I told James that his son is a drug addict. Three days since I figured out that Cole's mother died from drugs and cancer. The same cancer that I have. Three days since I became extremely ill with a fever that has been paralyzing my body ever since. 

I closed my eyes tightly, hoping that maybe when I opened my eyes again, the last five days would all just be a dream. Cole never did drugs. We never fought. I never heard the things I heard or said the things I said. I have cancer, yes, but I also have Cole. But now I'm living with cancer and without Cole, something that has become a new experience to me. My first day of chemo, I met Cole. After that, we were always on good terms. Until now.

Since I started chemo, my immune system has become weakened. I got lucky with all of those other visits out with Cole. This time, not so much. Maybe it was because I rode the bus or I went into someone's home and not a fancy restaurant, but something was different this time. I picked up a tons of illnesses. So, in addition to my chemo systems and my cancer, I'm really sick. Life right now sucks.

For the last few days, I've wondered if maybe I should just end it now. Before, the only thing that was stopping me was Cole. I'm going to die anyways, right? With Cole gone, I don't feel tied down to anyone. I could end my life without regretting it. I'd rather it come sooner than later.

But then there's the part of my head that reminds me that Cole and I aren't over yet. There was never a breaking up. Yet, the last three days have held nothing. No calls. No texts. No visits. No daily flower. The flowers that still remain have become wilted. Ironic, since that's what's happening to our relationship. 

The doctors and nurses haven't said anything, but I know that they're becoming concerned with my health. Between the cancer, the chemo symptoms and my extreme flu, they're worried. I see it in there eyes. I try to think of how it's possible to die from a flu. I can't think of any ways, but I'm no doctor and obviously that's on there minds.

Between my sickness and chemo, I feel terrible. All of the time. At first it was just fever, puking and chills. But now coughs have entered the equation. I feel like a cat is using my lungs as a scratching post. 

As I lay in my bed, thinking of the events that happened three days ago, Emily walks into my room. The two of us have shared very little conversation since she sent away Cole. I would rather not talk to her every again, but she's my assigned nurse now so I have to, whether I like it or not.

"Hey, Sam. How's it going?"

"How do you think it's going?" I snapped at her. "My boyfriend is a drug addict and between chemo and this convenient little flu I've caught, I never feel normal."

"Maybe that's why you shouldn't go out and see your drug addict boyfriend. You know the risks of it." She replied.

"But I love him. Not seeing him simply isn't an option." 

"Well, you can't see him anymore. He's a bad influence. He's being sucked into a world of drugs and crawling himself out won't be easy. You'd be better off with someone else." 

I sat up, despite how it caused me pain. "Like I said, I love him. I can't just blow him off." 

"How can you love someone who's ruining his life?" Emily asked me, sounding almost accusing.

"JUST SHUT UP, EMILY!" I screamed. The screaming caused me a few coughs, but I continued on. "You don't get it because you don't have anyone to love! You don't get it because you're not dying! I can't blow him off because I love him more than my own life and with it fading away every second I can't just end it! I want him to be the one holding my hand when I die! I can't stand the thought of living without him! These three days have been the worst of my life! I want to get out of here! I want to just die right here, right now!"