CALVIN

one: the tampon

"So you think it's a tampon, then?"

"It's not a fucking tampon. Who would use a tampon in here?"

I looked directly at Ehsan. 

"Me?"

I shrugged. "You've been pretty moody lately."

"Alright. Who's had a girl over?" asked Patrick. 

All eight of us stood in the shower, in a circle around the drainage.

"Well, that rules out Schneider," I said.

"Shut the fuck up."

"Ehsan?"

Ehsan shook his head. "Well, apart from Olivia. But she doesn't count, I guess."

Patrick wasn't having it. "What do you mean, she doesn't count?"

"Well, she's not a really a girl, is she? She does sport, and things."

The seven of us stood in silence as we stared at Ehsan. After a moment, he quietly detached himself from the circle, opened the shower door and gracefully slid away. Like a muscle using it's disgusting tongue-foot to burrow in sand underwater.

"I've had plenty over," Nikita said. "Is that even a question?"

"No, it's not," agreed Patrick. "Denis?"

Denis shook his head. "Not recently."

"Only Maria's been here," said Leon. "And she's not on her period."

Patrick asked, "How d'you know?"

"Really, Pat?" said Leon. "You think I haven't memorized her cycle down to the hour? I don't do well with surprises."

"Bit creepy, not gonna lie," I muttered.

"Yeah," Nikita colluded, "how does Maria feel about that?"

"She knows."

"Do you at least buy her tampons?"

"Ew, no. Fuck off."

"And you're sure she's not on her period? Even two days ago?" -Patrick.

"Yeah, Pat, remember that weird noise you were hearing two nights ago? You kept saying this house was haunted?"

I looked at Pat, who was coming to the conclusion (as were all we), that Maria was indeed not on her period.

"Why would a tampon be down the shower drain anyways?" Jesus asked with a gurgly giggle. "Did a girl take a shower in here and shove it through one of those little holes?"

"Yeah," I agreed, "it's just a bit too deliberate to be believable."

"So it wasn't you," Patrick asked Jesus.

"Of course it wasn't me," Jesus said, laughing. He took to shaking his head.

Each of us stared down at the drainage, which'd flooded the entire bathroom on several occasions during the past 43 hours. There was a pregnant silence in the shower cubicle.

"You don't think it could be hair, do you?"

"Yeah, let's just skip over me, then."

"Fine, Elias," Patrick said in exasperation, "do you know of any girls that've been over?"

I stood with my hands behind my back, my jaw clenched, staring stubbornly at a point over Denis's bald head. I could feel Patrick's eyes roll.

"Elias, dear, have you fucked any women in this house lately?"

"Not that I remember, no," I said. "Though it can get sort of hard to keep track, these days."

"Now that we've got that cleared up - "

I interrupted. "You really don't believe I'm capable of getting a girlfriend, do you?"

"It's not that," Patrick said. "I just don't believe you and girls are really cut out for each other."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"You know what it means."

"Do I, Patrick? Do I really?"

He was getting expressive with his words. "To be honest, Elias, probably not. So let's just gloss over it, why don't we?"

"I don't really think I can do that."

"I can," said Schneider. He looked at Pat. "I'll just tell the hausmeister tomorrow."

"Yeah, Pat," I said, "where are you going with this? Do you expect us to find the culprit of who clogged the drain? How are we supposed to do that? Are we supposed to go around school sniffing every girls' crotch to find out who's bleeding out of their fucking vagina? Like bloodhounds? Like literal bloodhounds?"

"Perverted, bloodhounds," Denis added.

"It's a bit weird that you got all of us cramped in the shower like this. Kind of reminds me of a porno I watched a few days ago."

"Oh, God, Elias, you make it so obvious," said Patrick.

"What?"

"Fine." Patrick banged aside the shower door and squeezed out into the bathroom. "Tell the hausmeister tomorrow, Schneider. I need to study."

"I can't even make a joke about how he's going to study missionary-style," I muttered to the rest of them. "Because he's actually going to study."

"Nerd," said Denis.

"I feel bad, now," Jesus piped up. The five of us looked at him. "It was me. I put the tampon down the drain."

My jaw was agape. "I can't even begin to comprehend how that scenario unfolded."