CALVIN

fifty-five: the end

(tw: mention of r*pe, s*icide, *buse)

Mr Hayes came into the Doom Room. He was going to tell me the news. That there was no more need for my hearing. The culprit had turned himself in. I was free to go.

Instead of letting him speak I strode past him and into the corridor. On my way downstairs I stopped, a couple steps above Ms Vecoli. She was holding a large notebook and a binder. Probably on the way to the offices.

We both didn't say anything, for a moment. I thought it was going to stay that way. She'd sidestep me and continue walking. I'd make my way downstairs. As if I'd never seen her. But instead, as if suddenly deciding to speak: "I just want to say one thing. I'm sorry."

How was I supposed to respond to that? Forgive her? I wanted to. I wanted to put it all behind us. I wanted her to escape the investigation. I wanted her to be my teacher again. My friend.

But I chose not to.

"I don't want you to forgive me," she said. "Don't forgive me. But I am. Sorry. And I will leave. I am leaving." she gestured to the binder she was holding. "This is my resignation."

Someone was coming down the stairs. We couldn't be seen together, conversing. I started walking past her. Tried to find something to say. A final goodbye. An insult, even, or a meaningful parting quote from a famous author. Something to tie it together. But we continued walking away from each other. Her up the steps. Me down them. Until there was no more time to say anything to her, and my silence was taken. Accepted. Understood.

Into the cool evening. There was a breeze. My shoes crunching on gravel as I ran down the driveway. Heart trying to break out of its cage. A panic bubble being blown inside me. My extremities were losing feeling as I disappeared into the Waldweg. I passed straggling students as I made my way through the forest. Where was Calvin? He couldn't have gotten far.

The path spit me out into farmland. The final stretch of the Waldweg before the New Campus. It was on a hump, with a view of the land. The orange sky. I saw his figure several metres ahead, and jogged towards it. When he heard someone coming behind him he turned around. We both stopped. "What the fuck was that?"

"I had to do it."

I couldn't push away my anger. It was infiltrating at an alarming rate. "What do you mean, you had to do it? You didn't have to do anything! This was my issue. This was supposed to be my problem!"

"Elias - "

"You can't just do that! You can't just take the blame for the things I did! And get expelled for it? Calvin - this school is your school. This was never my place!"

"Well, where is your place, then?" he was trying to match my anger. I don't think he had it in him. "What did you think you were going to do once you got expelled? Go back to Australia and then what? You told me your parents are impossible to live with. Your mum is bipolar and your dad doesn't acknowledge your existence. You haven't had a phone call from them this entire year, and you say this isn't your place? Elias, this is your only place. This is your home."

"What if you're my home? What are you gonna do then? Just leave?"

"A person can't be a home. And -" his fist clenched in the air, as if searching for something to squeeze, and then released. " - you don't understand."

"What don't I understand? You just lied to the principal to sabotage yourself -"

"The principal, who is also about to be arrested for money laundering and bribery. The principal, who just happens to be having an affair with Marc's mum."