CALVIN

seven: the hearing

"Did you get leitungsrat, too?" I asked desperately.

"No," Nikita said from his bed. 

"Fuck!" I yelled.

I slammed his door shut and ran to the next room. I knocked on it for half a second and busted the door open. "Did you get leitungsrat?!"

"No," Leon said.

"Not you," I said. "What about Denis?"

"He went on a run this morning. So I don't think so."

"Leitungsrat doesn't mean you can't run," I said.

"Yeah, but if you get leitungsrat you should be too sad to go for a run." he laughed maliciously. "Did you get leitungsrat?"

I rolled my eyes and shut his door. 

"Do you know if Ehsan got leitungsrat?" I asked Schneider, as he walked down the stairs, wet and shiny. 

"Just you, buddy," he said. 

"Why just me?!" I asked the Gods.

"Because you were acting like a fucking lunatic when you got out of the taxi."

"Most of the alcohol was out of my system when we got back, though!"

"That is just... blatantly untrue," Patrick said, walking down the stairs as well. "What did you blow?"

"1.6," I said.

"Shit!"

Nikita, Schneider, Jesus, Patrick and I gathered around our kitchen table. 

"Who was the least drunk last night?" Schneider asked.

"Me," said Patrick. "Without a doubt."

"I think I was the least drunk," Jesus said. "I had thirteen shots but I wasn't drunk."

"Jesus, that's like eating a sandwich and then saying you didn't eat a sandwich."

"Okay," Schneider said, getting down to business. "Patrick, tell us everything you remember."

"I don't really feel in the mood to talk right now," Patrick said. "I'm so hungry."

"You're talking," Nikita said. "I don't remember shit."

Patrick exhaled heavily, his fingers splayed across the table. His eyes roved all of us. "Who's my first victim?"

"Me," Schneider volunteered, bowing his head. "Just get it over with."

"You got drunk after four minutes and started doing the tango with Nikita. Then you found this lady who was like at least thirty-five and you disappeared for a bit, which I don't know what to make of. You came back with her and kind of just cuddled on the floor for a while. Then you pissed yourself."

"I... what?"

"Yep. Pee. All over yourself. You got some on the lady, too. There was a lot of it. Smelled kind of gross. We pretty much got kicked out because of that. Nothing was open so we had to steal a pair of trousers from the Gay Room. That's when you blacked out."

Schneider put his face in his hands. "I knew that happened I just didn't want to believe it."

Patrick turned to Nikita. "You twerked all over everyone. It was really cringy. You lost about half your clothes and for some fucking reason all the women liked you. It was really weird."

"What do you mean, weird? That's just another day in the life of Nikita."

"Moving on," Patrick said, "Jesus literally followed Denis around for half the night and the other half he spent telling a poor girl that you needed a high IQ to understand Rick and Morty."