CALVIN

fifty: the schneider tree

Maddy was the only person in the dining hall that morning. It was seven twenty-five, technically too early for the dining hall to even open. But rules were often bent around here. 

I grabbed cereal and an apple and walked over to her table. She had her hands around a cup of black coffee. "You're up early," I said. 

"I'm still trying to run. I can do five kilometres now without passing out."

"You've passed out before?"

She nodded. "But that's only because I hadn't eaten anything. It wasn't bad or anything. It was on grass, and someone found me, like, right away. But yeah. Don't want that to happen again." she was shaking slightly. Caffeine, I thought. 

I took a bite of my cereal. For some reason, it became one solid object in my mouth. Impossible to swallow. 

"Did  you already eat breakfast?"

She nodded enthusiastically. "They let me in at seven. I was running at six."

For someone who'd just been on a run, she was looking awfully warm. Fluffy sweater that billowed out at the waist, huge scarf that covered her thighs when she sat. I put my spoon down. Funnily enough, my appetite was gone. And my heart was racing. 

"Oh - do you remember that thing Frau Niederhofer wanted us to do? For economics - oh, wait, you're not in economics, I forgot - "

I sprang up from my seat and marched over to the buffet. Snatched a croissant out of the basket. Walked back over to the table and put it down in front of Maddy. "Breakfast," I said. 

She looked like I'd stabbed her. "What?"

I sat down. "Breakfast. Because I know you didn't have any - "

" - Elias - I had breakfast - what the fuck - "

" - you're just trying to cover everything up just like - "

" - I'm not going to eat this fucking croissant so - "

"You can't even eat a fucking croissant?"

"Not when you slam it down on the table like that! Like I'm a criminal, or something!" her shrill voice echoed in the empty hall.

"Just eat the croissant."

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Maddy - "

She stood up, grabbed her coffee cup, and started for the door. 

"Maddy, please."

She was gone.

It was just me. And the croissant.

...

She stood in front of me after class. Asked me to go on a walk with her. "And I'm not going to try to suck your dick, I promise," she said. 

We started walking through the farmland, along tractor tracks. We stopped in a meadow, and she said, "I want to show you something."

It was the hottest day of the year, so far. Bright sun. I wasn't exactly dressed for the heat - I was still in winter mode. It always took me a long time to adjust to new seasons.

We were near the Waldweg, but not on the Waldweg. She took me down a trail into trees. We crashed trough some undergrowth and stopped at a stream. There was a broken-down bridge over it, with Caution tape that looked a decade old. She walked onto it and sat down. I sat beside her, water skimming the bottoms of my Vans. 

"I may need help," she said.

There wasn't much I could say. I thought about saying sorry, for ambushing her at breakfast. But I was embarrassed, and I thought it would sound empty coming out of my mouth. I also didn't trust myself to speak. There were probably only so many words I could get out before breaking down crying. And the amount of words was probably one.