CALVIN

forty-one: the confession

I stood a ways down, hands in pockets. I was camouflaged by darkness. I had every opportunity to turn around and leave. Leave behind everything. I could have turned around and gone back to Ms Vecoli. She would have taken me and her husband in her car up to the old campus, and she would have convinced us to have a three-way. I could have turned around and gone back to Mr Taylor, and begged him to believe me. I could have turned around and just gone back to my room, and slept, and wake up the next morning joking with Patrick. I could have let myself forget about Calvin, let myself move on. I could have let it all be one long, weird dream. But I also couldn't.

I walked up the hill. Almost near the top, I stopped. I knew he knew I was there, but his eyes were closed and he didn't move. I lay down beside him and folded my hands on my stomach. Looked up at the stars. I fully expected him to get up silently and leave, letting me know that he was done with my shit. But he didn't. He stayed. "Hey," I said.

"Hey."

I let some time pass. I let him have the time to decide whether or not he wanted to hear what I came to say. He still didn't move, so I inhaled. Exhaled.

"I'm feeling a lot like Bob Peterson," I said quietly. "Only stupider. And less generous."

Calvin laughed quietly. It surprised me, and made me feel warm. He opened his eyes and stared at the stars for a second, before turning his head to look at me. "We're both Owen Sharpe and Bob Peterson."

"I'm sorry," I said. "This entire year, I never let you get close to me."

"Sure you did."

"I really didn't. Everything you said, you're right. I get caught up in everyone's problems that they create more problems for myself. I spent months evading you. I - like - didn't even get it up when we made out."

He laughed nervously. "What's that got to do with anything?"

I scrunched up my eyes. "I didn't let myself be turned on. I didn't let myself have reactions to you, even though I wanted to. If I'm honest... I feel like I should know a lot more about you... but I don't." This was all really hard to say. But nothing felt better.

Calvin looked back up at the sky. I watched as he swallowed and his Adam's apple bobbed up and down. "Well you were also high half the time - "

"I know. And you don't have to be... nice, or polite about it. About any of it. I should have been present. I should have been fighting for more than just Ana."

Calvin nodded. He choked out a "Sorry".

"Wait - why?"

"I don't know," he whispered. Pause. "I guess I didn't let you in, either."

"What do you mean?"

"The reason why you don't know much about me. That's not completely your fault." I put my arm under the side of my head and lay facing him, waiting for him to go on. He was thinking about his next words. He looked at me again, but said nothing. Suddenly I remembered my spiraling thoughts a few days ago, and couldn't shake off the idea that...

"Calvin, are you straight?"

"What?"

I sat up on the grass. He sat up as well. "Is this the thing that I don't know about you. That you're straight. That you've been faking it."

"Elias - "

"Because - this is going to sound crazy - but I started kind of thinking that maybe you've just been trying to get close to me for other reasons? For reasons other than you liking me? Like, we never really... got our dicks out, or anything, and - I don't know - like, the more I think about it, the straighter you seem - " when I turned to look at him, he had his hands ready to grab my face and kiss me. He started off slow, calculated, his lips opening just enough to let our tongues touch. His hand slid from my jaw to my neck, and almost grabbed it in a chokehold, which made my heart jump to my throat. His thumb slid up my chin and over my lip, breaking off our kiss, and into my mouth. I bit it gently and went back to kissing him, only this time I couldn't hold anything back. I threw all his tact, all his sensual build-up, out the window and attacked him, pressing hard into him, my knuckles white as I clenched onto his shirt collar, tasting every corner of him. I kissed his jaw and then his neck, staying there to give him hickeys. I could hear and feel him breathing heavily against my ear, almost moaning, and I desperately needed to unzip my jeans.