12/16/18-
Monachopsis.
The subtle yet persistent feeling of being out of place. Do I really belong here? Hell, do I even know myself? Afraid of who I am deep down, afraid to let me show. I wrote a journal entry the other day in English class. We had to write down what we are stressed about. I wrote about finals. Family. Me. Luke. I wrote my real name, not my birth name. What will my teacher think? Will she reach out? Will she treat me differently? She hasn't read it yet. Anticipation building inside me like legos, waiting to be crushed and dissipate into nothing. Perhaps scatter like Lego pieces, the moment she reads it. I need someone in my real world, real life to read it. See me as who I am. I need to let someone know. Can no longer contain it.
My mom called me pretty the other day. I'm such a beautiful girl. Why would I wanna cut my hair short? Why? I'll look like a boy. Mother, don't you see that's the point? I don't wanna be a beautiful girl. I wanna be a handsome boy. A man. I want to be seen that way physically. Fag bag. The words hit me harder than I expected. I think my step father thinks it's funny. Some joke. But it's not. I'm a bisexual individual. Why can't that just be respected in this household? I hate this. Hate them. Hate this bubble I'm enclosed in. Feels like I'm suffocating with the wrath of my parents wreaking havoc all around me. My head is pounding. Not just with thoughts but with sickness. Why is it I have to get sick at the worst possible times?
In all honesty, I don't think there will be a Christmas this year. Both my parents out of jobs, my grandmother not celebrating the holiday. And the rest of my family. Closed off, some too far. There will be no Christmas. Maybe for my younger siblings. Their dad always gets them gifts. Although him and my mother split up, him and his family always get my brother and I , who are not related to them at all, gifts. Maybe they still will this year. Maybe, just maybe, they'll be a small Christmas celebration. I'm sorry for going ghost. Too many things consuming me and my time. I'm not dead, not yet. Still alive and going.
YOU ARE READING
in the life of luke.
Randomi am luke . trans ftm , closeted . these are my thoughts . my rants and vents about my dumbass family , relationships , and more . you don't have to bother reading . i just need to let it out somewhere . i don't want nor need anyone's pity . this bo...
