Thoughts of the Day

12-30-18 11:45PM

Second last day of the year. 15 minutes left. I started this year off with who I thought was my world. Turns out I lost them sooner than I thought. I will be starting off 2019 in the same situation, except this time, I know I haven't lost them. Around these times are emotional times for me. Christmas has never been a great holiday for me since I was 13. That was the first year I had Christmas without my mom. That was the first year I spent Christmas alone. That was the first year I spent Christmas in my room alone. That was the first year I was actually sick on Christmas. Now every year afterward I've always been alone. I've always been sick around Christmas. Even this year with my mom, stepdad, sister, and grandma. I was still alone. Ever since the Christmas of 2014. Even when I'm surrounded by loved ones. I'll never forget what I was told that year, I'll never forget what happened to me that year. 

10 more minutes until it's the last day of the year. I'm gonna start off the year sick. I'm gonna start off the year alone. I'm gonna start off the year sleeping my sorrows away. I don't believe in New Years Resolutions. For me, it doesn't make much sense why someone would change in the new year, but wouldn't at any point of the year? Maybe it was just explained to me the wrong way. 

Now it's the last day of the year. I would like it to be memorable. But the only thing I can do is stay at home sick. I can't leave the apartment because my grandma is always gone, and the apartment building I live in won't give me a keycard seeing that I am a minor still. I'll be 18 in August. A few weeks after school starts. Moving is gonna be a stressful event. Especially with everything else happening around that time. But it's okay. I don't know why it will be okay, but I know it will. I can't believe it's gonna be 2019 soon. I'm gonna be starting off the year in pain. I'm gonna be starting off the year starving. I really wish my grandma took in consideration of me, and the food stamp card. Instead, she bought 15$ worth of drinks every week to two weeks. But that's okay, it tells me a lot. It tells me more than I would like to know.