Thoughts of the Day

1-1-19 10:20AM

"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." ~ Robin Williams 

Reading that quote reminds me what I'm doing wrong in life right now. When I wasn't constantly hurt or questioning things I had people in life that didn't make me feel lonely. I'm not sure when it began, but I can say now I do feel lonely. Even with friends that I used to talk to most days, or even with some that I talk to almost every day. I can say that I have one friend that doesn't make me feel alone. Things have evidently changed now that I look at the bigger picture. Even if I don't like how things have changed. I know it isn't just my fault on why they have changed, but it is simply both parties held responsible. I'll never mention names on here, though sometimes I wish I can. But that's the joy of life. We meet people and people leave. We meet people and people lose interest. I will take full responsibility for those relationships I have lost throughout the years, and even some I've lost recently. All I ask is you don't go through life prancing along just because you don't have to take the blame. 

I may lack the ability to recognize emotions and the ability to comprehend emotions. That doesn't mean you can treat me like human garbage when I've stuck up for you. I've lost friendships just because I stuck up for you. I've lost genuinely good people and damaged other relationships because I chose to stick up for you. This is simply how I'm treated. I've worried about you when others chose not to. I've reached out to you when the people you hang around with today chose not to even say a single word to you. The first day you went ghost and disappeared off the face of the internet, that's the day I started to worry. That's the day that I reached out to you. When you came back you told me nobody else had done the same. Ever since the day you came back we've been talking most days. But only recently have you started treating me like garbage. I can't even talk to you because you won't talk back. I have proof that I sent out so many messages and not a single one from you. I've helped you out when you were at your low. I've reassured you that I wouldn't be going anywhere when you were at your low. But now that you're not at your low I guess you don't need me anymore. That's fine because now I know this isn't selfish of me to leave you behind and take care of myself one step at a time. The promises I made to you, no longer exist because we don't talk anymore. It hurts to say that I broke some more promises unwillingly. The secrets you told me are still kept secretive. 

The person I hold many promises to. I hope you understand why those promises were broken. If this scenario happens again, it's gonna have to be the same thing. Secrets will always be kept secretive even after I die. It doesn't matter if it costs me my life or my ticket to heaven. I don't care if I get tortured or if I go to hell. Secrets will never leave this mouth of mine. I will never break promises unwillingly. I did not want to break those promises. They're the ones that did this to themselves. 

Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.