Thoughts of the Day

1-26-19 1:20AM

As I sit here wondering what I did wrong.

As I sit here wandering the streets.

As I think to myself, would it even matter.

As I look back on our conversations.

A lot has changed.

Now I am pondering, what has changed.

~ Travis H

(Poem isn't great, I know) Now I sit here. In my bed. Alone at night. Wondering what I always do to make this happen. Maybe it's the overthinking? Maybe it's the constant wave of depression I experience? Or even the anxiety that fills my head with thoughts and voices? Whatever it is, I'm obviously bleeding on everyone around me. I've always been independent. But I've never tried to fix my problems alone. I've always been comfortable with my problems. I don't even know if I can do it alone. I don't want to hurt anyone around me with my problems. I don't want to cause troubles with my problems because it's not their responsibility. Some nights I think of harm. Others I think of you. Both release the same thing. Like an old friend said to me. "Happiness is just an illusion". At the time I never knew how right they were. Happiness has always been an illusion. I was happy for once. But it was just a cover. A cover-up on the pain I feel. Even though we go through troubles. There's no trouble I wouldn't go through for you. I would still do anything for you. If I could I would hide my pain away so I know you can be happy. But the bottle is starting to overfill, and now I can't hide my pain anymore. 

(1) How is it possible to get over someone with a great impact in your life, even if it was a lie. Deep down I care if someone hurts you. Deep down nothing has changed. Deep down I'm in denial. Deep down I know I would lose control if something happens to you. I wish this wasn't the case. You were so nice to me at the beginning. When I had no one and I was just going through life as it comes being unhappy. You were the one that brought joy into my life. You were the one that included me whenever I was excluded. I wish I can say I was over you. But I can't. I wish I can say I found someone to take your place. But I can't. Every time I look, there you are. Every time I go on social media, there you are. I saw you twice this morning. Both times you looked at me. It wasn't like a small look, it was the look you gave me when I first saw you 2 years ago. I had a panic attack afterward. I wish it was easy to get over you. You blamed me for the fall of our friendship. I believed that something was wrong with me. I believed I was a fuck up. I believed I was too messed up to let anyone in my life. Now I let someone in after you. They're amazing, but it's hard. I wish things would be easy sometimes. But the things worth fighting for, are the things worth keeping. And time will never be on our side.

(2) You were an amazing person. A fatherly figure to me. It only lasted 2 years. I talk to my friends today about you, they say you were the nicest person to them. The last memory I have of you is when you called me a disappointment. The last memory I have of us is when you were yelling at me for being anxious. You meant so much to me. Then drugs took you away from me. Drugs take everything from me and I don't even do them. First my mom, then you. Who's next? You gave me everything at the beginning. A loving home, a loving family, even materialistic items. You took it all away from me in the end. Even my favorite blanket that calmed me. You didn't even give it to me, someone else did. But yet you were able to take it away from me. You were my father. Now you're a stranger. You were someone I looked up to. Now you're someone I don't wanna be. You were my role model, my superhero. Now I don't wanna be you. You blamed me for being too anxious. When the 4 thousand dollars disappeared and you told the household you know who took it. I was anxious. Of course, I was. I never took it, but I was still anxious. You would talk to the household outside while smoking cigarettes. Once I came upstairs the laughing and talking would stop. You guys would look at me. I only came up for a drink. Of course, I was anxious. That's all I ever am nowadays. Our last conversation, you blamed me for taking the money. You blamed me because I was anxious. You mocked me for my anxiety. You were once an amazing person. But then, you grew to be an asshole. You grew to be stuck up. You grew to be the worst person in my life. Even though you disappeared, I hope I never see you again. I can't help myself if anything happens.

I hope one day I can talk to you about them. I hope one-day things never change. I hope one day you become what they never were. But I can only hope, and I don't have any hope left in me. I can't put myself in that situation knowing things could easily fail. Even when you tell me things won't fail. At the end of the day I hear words, actions speak louder than words. I'm sorry that you have to repeat yourself, or I may not believe everything you say. I hope this clears up why it's so hard for me to believe some words. Especially if I only hear it every now and then. I want to believe you. But it's hard to.

Edit 1-26-19 4:05: After about 3 hours of thinking after writing this, I do regret sending the messages. I do regret feeling the way I did. I can't keep holding in my emotions. It's very unhealthy, and if this happens often I don't know what I have to do. But I don't want to put anyone under unnecessary stress. I don't want to keep apologizing for things I do. I don't want to keep making mistakes. I am currently battling my head. This is a constant war with my thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing the battle, but then again other times I feel like I'm winning. I hope this doesn't make you think of me differently, and I hope you're not upset or mad at me for it.