Thoughts of the Day

2-10-19 2:13PM

I don't know where to start today. In the past year, I lost another friend. I thought I gained one not too long ago. But I've been told what you had said about me. You told my business. My business that I trusted you with. I trusted you with a lot. We both may have been immature when it all went down. Now the difference between you and I is that you're still immature. I never once told anyone your secrets that you trusted me with. What gives you the right to go out there and tell my secrets? What gives you the right to warn someone about me? What gives you the right to spread rumors about me? I'm not even mad about the rumors, I find them hilarious. Saying how I fucked a lot of guys, and how I'm not really bi. What makes me mad is the fact that you betrayed me when you come back like you never did it. I should've listened to a friend of mine and just ignored you, but I am just too nice of a person and I decided to add you back. At least I got the apology that I should've gotten months ago. I can't ever trust you. You told someone a secret about me that I wasn't ready for them to know. I didn't want to scare them off by telling them sooner. But that is exactly what you wanted. You wanted me to hurt even more than I already have. You can't tell me different, because this is what I believe after hearing what you have done. I was a fool Freshman year. I was even a bigger fool Sophmore year. I will not be a fool this year and fall for your childish games anymore. You want me to feel better? Looks like I have to cut you out of my life completely now. 

Along with doing that, I need to work on myself as well. I need to learn to love myself for who I am. I need to learn to be more independent. I feel like right now I am relying on you too much when you have a lot going on yourself. The reality keeps getting more clear as it creeps up. You are leaving 14 hours away. You say for only 2 years then you'll come back for your family. But plans change. Right now my plan is to stay here for my family. I can't leave my mom and sister with my mom forgetting everyday things. My sister is only 7 years old, she doesn't understand why my mom keeps forgetting things. She can't take care of herself when mom forgets to do something. Plus I need to be close so I can take care of my mom if something happens to her. She's young, but she has a lot going on. If plans go the way they want to, I want to visit my brother in AR the summer I graduate. Maybe I can go to visit you in college as well. That's if plans go the way they're supposed to. Time is never on our side, but maybe for once, it can be. Maybe for once, time won't be so harsh on us. Maybe for once, I won't feel like I'm in prison. Until then, I have to be patient. I have to be calm. I have to work on myself. I have to learn to love myself. I need to learn quite a bit. I will wait. I will easily wait. But I won't have hope, at least right now I won't because I don't want to get hurt in the end. But I guess the greatest sacrifices, in the end, is able to crush mankind. I guess not having hope isn't the way. That just means that I need to be okay with getting hurt. I need to learn to have hope and make sacrifices. I need to learn healthy ways of dealing with my hurt so I don't hurt you.