Thoughts of the Day

1-23-19 12:00AM

To start off, I'm going to bring up one of the paragraphs I've sent you that I still remember typing as of today. This paragraph has some grammatical errors, which it was late at night when I was typing this. This was one of my Christmas presents that I was able to do easily. Honestly, I was embarrassed when you showed your mom, but now that I look back I'm glad you did. I'm still glad that I get to spend every day with you. 

"Heyo Spaghettio! I hope you have a really good Christmas! You deserve to be happy this Christmas! You deserve the world, whether or not you see it. I know there's a lot of reasons to be upset, but I'm proud how well you're handling it and staying happy. That makes me proud that you're able to stay happy, even with everything going on. I'm really proud of you for making it this far. I'm loving the fact that I get to watch you grow into a better person each and every day. I am blessed getting the chance to watch you grow. Like I always say and I will continue to say, I really appreciate you, and I hope you believe that. You have no idea how lucky I am alone being in your life. You've helped me in many ways, and continue to help me. You have proven to me that knowing what I am it will not phase you, and has not phased you. I want you to know that I will talk to you anytime you need, whether it's VC or texting, and that you are welcomed in my family even though you haven't met any of them. Although I don't know how you feel, but I know you will always be in my heart. I understand that you've gone through a lot in the past, so have I, some I may understand, just like some you may understand as well. Never forget how much you mean to me, and how much I will do for you. At the same time I am taking care of myself, so you don't have to worry about that. You never have to worry about me leaving at all because I will always be here for you no matter what. I do not believe what others say, and I will not start believing it. I really hope you have a good Christmas. I really hope the baptism goes by good. I just want you to be happy, no matter the cost."

Just like I said last night there are 7.6 billion people in the world, and here I am choosing you over everyone else. These next 2-3 years will be one heck of a journey. You're right, time hasn't been in our favor and I don't think it will be ever. Even though time isn't on our side doesn't mean our feelings have to change. My feelings won't change for you, and I don't understand that. I don't really understand emotions all that well, but that's okay. I understand what you mean when you said it wouldn't be fair for me with certain circumstances. It may not be fair but that doesn't matter to me. I just want you to be healthy and happy, if you're happy, I'm happy. You're a very caring person that cares about people a little too much. But that's not a bad thing. It's never a bad thing to care a little too much about someone. It just means, in the end, you need a little more time to recover from heartbreak. As long as I am in your life, I promise that I will never intentionally hurt you in any way. You simply mean too much to me for me to do something like that. Although I never have told you directly and you've told me many times, I do love you. It's something that has always been hard for me to say. I hope this isn't wrong to you, and I hope this isn't weird to you as well. I can say that sometimes I get jealous knowing other people have had their time with you. I sometimes get jealous that other people didn't have the circumstances that I have right now. But I can tell you that I will never let that come between us. I may be jealous sometimes of them, but I am really happy that I do have your time right now. I am just glad that I have your time as I am writing this. There is nothing that I could ask for more than that. And I promise that I will make one day very special to you before you head off to college. Just like I promise I will help you stay in contact with your sister when you're off to college. Just don't let this stop you from doing what you want to do. You have no idea what goes through my mind on a regular basis. But I do sometimes wish you could see yourself through my eyes and see how much I wish I could do. That's all I'm gonna say for now, I hope you have an amazing day. :)