Thoughts of the Day

1-22-19 1:00PM

As much as I believe the words that come from you. My head says differently. It's not everyday this happens. But it is some days. I reread our conversations to know the truth. But because of those of the past, it's hard to believe words sometimes. I'm not saying I don't believe you. Because I do. I'm just simply saying what goes through my mind on a regular basis.

I constantly worry what could happen if things don't go to plan. I constantly worry that I'm a burden to your everyday life. I constantly worry that you just feel bad for what others have done to me. I had been through a lot. So have you. We all get anxious and worried. But for me, it appears to happen often. It's unhealthy. But I don't know what to do. I don't want to bother you with it. Although I should say something. Even if I'm worried to bother you. I know you've told me many times before, that I'm not a burden to you. I believe you. But throughout the day, my head says different. I wish I didn't go through what I do. I sometimes wonder if I could be better to you if I didn't have what I have. I sometimes wonder in thought as I think of you. It doesn't affect me with my everyday decisions. I still get my work done. I still help you. I guess that's all I could ask for. I do have everything I want.

I sometimes wish I didn't have what I have. I sometimes wish I didn't have manic depression. My episodes can lasts for days to months at a time. Those are the worst times. What's even worse is the time that I'm actually happy isn't long either. I also have moderate anxiety. It's not the best. Along with that I've been having panic attacks more lately. All those alone are not great all together. But that's not it either. I also hear things in my head. It's never the greatest. I always feel like I'm insane. Having conversations with the voice all day. When I'm lonely, I hear it the most. I'm not saying this to make you feel sorry for me. I'm not saying this for anyone to feel sorry. I just want people to understand more. I mainly want you to understand me more.