Thoughts of the Day

12-29-18 5:45AM

They say love is a mysterious force. It truly is but in order to know how mysterious it can be you have to know what love is. But I don't know what love is. I never really felt any emotions growing up. I always had to be heartless with what I've gone through. So here in the recent events, I've been clueless as to what this is. But what could it be exactly? I feel like there are 2 parts of me fighting over control. When I talk to this one person, let's call them Alex, I feel heartless I guess. But when I talk to this other person, let's call them Joan, I feel like I am more caring. (These are not their names, these names are not even close to their names, they're completely made up) When I talk to Joan I feel like I am a better person. Like I am trying to get rid of the heartlessness of myself. Like I am trying to better myself, and become a greater person overall. But then when I talk to Alex I feel like I am slipping back into my old ways again. I don't know how to feel about this. When I imagine things happening to Joan I feel the heartless side of me becoming something that I've never thought of. But when I imagine the same things with Alex, it's completely different.. I don't want anything to happen to Joan, and I'm not the type to overly obsess over their safety. I don't bug them all the time to keep safe and be extra careful what they do. Instead, I just tell them the basic things, like drive safe, stuff like that. This doesn't bug me, but this does confuse me. I don't want anything bad to happen to Joan, and I mainly care what happens to me because I'm sure if something bad happens to me, it'll hurt to Joan. I'm not saying that I'm in love, neither am I saying that I think I am. I'm just writing what I think, and I don't know who I really am anymore. I feel myself changing the more we talk, and I don't know if it's a good thing or not, or if it's for the better. All I know is that for now, we'll see what comes my way and we might find out together.