L O S T lil xan

came to say a few things.

hi guys, so this story was a bit rough lol. My grammar and spelling was beyond horrible. but I just wanted to thank all of you, who respected this story and enjoyed it. So I've been working on my grammar and spelling, so I was thinking about making a new Lil Xan story. Kinda based off my life, about two mouths ago. October 18th 2018 I lost my mom from an overdose and lemme tell you. It has been the most hardest thing in my life to get wake up every morning and not bust out crying. My depression has gotten way outta handle. Im a senior this year, barely making it. I'm not even going to lie or anything. But I'm beyond broken. My mom was literally my world. I lost her once back in 2016 when she got hooked on to the drugs & she started to get better getting treatment and they came back for her one last time, and took her. I cry every single night. I bust out crying all the time in school, at the gas station just everywhere. It's getting bad bc I control it. They just fall.. I got told my mom pasted away in the parking lot of my job. I fell to my knees after my aunt telling me those. My legs were so weak. So weak. I was screaming like I was getting stabbed, but honestly that's what it felt like. None stop stabbing in my heart breaking me for the last time. Taking what happiness I had left. Wasn't much. Just enough to get through the day & go home and smoke. But now I don't even know who I am. I look in the mirror and I don't see what I saw three years ago. A smile. A real one. A smile that shinned the entire room up. Now I'm just a shadow. Dark, cold. I'm broken. I felt my heart break that night. I was just getting off work when I called my aunt to pick me up bc I didn't drive yet. And when she answered she was crying. I was beyond confused. She kept saying I needed to go to her house. I said okay bc maybe she needed to take my sick uncle to the hospital. She finally gets there after 15 minutes and she's crying still when I get in the car. I kept asking what's wrong. She wouldn't reply. I started to get pissed so I screamed " what the fuck is wrong" my heart was pounding for some odd reason. She parks the car gets out making me get out and she says those words that I'd never imagine to hear. She was gonna see me graduate , outta all her kids who hated school the most. Was gonna walk across the stage. Months before she passed I always imagine in the shower how she'd react, how loud she'd scream my name. How many tears would fall that day. What would she be wearing. All those things I used to think about,, will just be a memory I will never have to look back on in ten years. Just pain that lays in my chest that kills me everyday.

But I was just thinking about writing a new story w Diego. Bc being addicted to drugs is so serious and they are  demons. And they'll take you, like that. They'll change you. I seen the change in my mom. When at the time was 16 had to carry her outta the bathroom she was always damn near about to fall and bust her head off the sink. She'd say she was always tired. I believed her. But she just shot up 20 minutes ago. I had no idea. My older sister officially told me a year ago that she was on drugs. And I broke all those times carrying her taking care of her. Bc she was on drugs. I couldn't tell anyone how our house looked bc we'd get taken away. My older sister moved out to live w her bf so it was me next in line to be the big sister in the house bc I had two younger sisters. There were hardly any food. Just the things I've seen is unseen. I get horrible flashbacks. She was skin as bones . So was us and the dogs. The stress that built inside me was beyond anything in the world. After we lost everything and I got sent to a whole another city w my aunt w only a bag of clothes and my baby blanket. I cried every night. I let them down was the only thing that crossed my mind. I'm fucked up..

ima just stop there.. but hopefully a new story will come so definitely watch out for it and vote and comment , thanks for reading sky