Summer Vacation

Chapter 14

14

Erica

I took a shower in an attempt to clear my mind. It seems that no matter how hard I try, that horrible night keeps coming to the front of my mind. I turned the heat up higher and even though it stung my skin somewhat painfully, I welcomed it. It was a nice distraction from what had happened that night

I breathed in the steam and let it out slow. I wanted nothing more than to forget that night ever happened. I splashed my face with the hot water, wishing I could wash it away, but like always it was still there; that night with Jalen. It happened a week ago, and yet the images were still fresh in my mind like it happened just a few hours ago. I shivered and suddenly felt cold under the pelting water. I was beginning to become used to the feeling. It didn’t surprise me anymore when the chill came over me and I didn’t try to fight anymore. All week at Alex’s house I had tried to fight it by drinking scalding hot tea and sleeping under three and four blankets, but nothing worked. The cold was inside me and no matter how many times I burned my tongue or skin; I just couldn’t feel the warmth inside where I needed it.

I sighed and decided that there was no need to try to turn the shower up higher; it wouldn’t matter. I quickly washed and stepped out. I threw on a tank top and a pair of sweats that Alex had let me borrow when I told him that I was cold. It’s too bad that the sweats didn’t help warm me up. What did seem to chase off the chill though, was Alex himself. Somehow, just being around him seemed to make me feel better. I wish I could just stay here and not have to worry about the cold feeling coming back. I wish it had never come in the first place.

When I stepped out the bathroom, everything in the apartment was still. I looked around but didn’t see Alex. I figured he was in the room somewhere but when I got there, the room was empty. I sighed and shrugged, maybe he had gone somewhere. He usually tells me when he’s leaving, but I didn’t stress it. Maybe he just stepped out for some fresh air. I went over to the bed and climbed in under the covers.

I closed my eyes and let my mind drift. I thought about Alex and how wonderful he was to me. I’m still surprised sometimes when I realize that he’s letting me stay with him. I never expected him to do that, though I’m glad I did. I never even thought he cared enough to do that. I started to smile, but realized that it wasn’t me he was doing it for. It was Shaina. I rolled over and chided myself for being so stupid.

He didn’t care for me. I’m just a lonely high school girl and he’s a college man. He would never want me the way that I want him. He’s nineteen and has all this stuff going for him; I’m sixteen and I have absolutely nothing going for me. He probably has girls falling over him all the time; he’d never be interested in me. No one would ever be interested in me. It’s always Shaina that everyone seems to love. Shaina is the one with the amazing boyfriend. Shaina is the one with the amazing family who loves her and actually cares about her. Shaina is the one who teachers seem to love. Shaina is the one that parents can’t seem to get enough of. It’s always Shaina.

What about me? Don’t I deserve some attention too? I mean, I love Shaina and I feel sort of bad for being jealous of her, but I need love too. I don’t want a lot; maybe if my mom loved me and actually gave a damn about me I wouldn’t be so insecure. She’s so wrapped up in her own life though; she jumps at every chance she has to push me off on someone else like she always has. Or maybe if my dad had come back from the store ten years ago, I wouldn’t need male affection so bad. Maybe if I knew how to love myself I would have my own boyfriend like Shaina. Maybe if I was confident, I’d be more like Shaina and less like me.

I sighed and wanted to cry. Shaina is my best friend yet, I’m jealous of her. I want to be her and I hate myself for that. Shaina has only ever loved me and tried to take care of me when no one else loved or cared for me and yet in some small way I can’t stand her and the only reason for it is because I want to be her. I feel so conflicted in my already crowded mind. I want the best for her, but at the same time I wish I was her.

I pulled the covers closer around me and tried not to think about my life and how pathetic it was. I just want Alex to come back and lay with me. I just want the cold inside to go away. I just want to be loved.

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To anyone who reads this,

This chapter is super short, so I decided to go ahead and upload it. Hopefully another chapter will be up next week on Wednesday or Thursday, if not my backup date is Saturday night or Early Sunday. I'm trying to update at least once a week.

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~MissCreativity