As you say

Chapter 21

I did not go to choir. it didn't seem... fitting. What really seemed fitting right now is popcorn and the entire Harry Potter series.

Mum tucked me in on the couch. Dad scowled from the kitchen counter. Mum thinks I needed the time and whatever comfort I thought was needed to get through this-I think she's just glad I don't hide my feelings from them. Dad thinks I'm being a pansy-ass.

Settling in, I focus on my movies. I love my mum. She's great.

"Wingardium Leviosa!" I swish and flick with Hermione.

I lost myself in the movies. I made myself forget what we would've done at choir, what would've happened if I stayed home today, what would've happened if I didn't temple-kiss Zaili last week. What would have happened if I told Zaili I thought I am in love with her.

'Nothing, or everything. Stop beating yourself up about this!' my mind scolds me.

But I couldn't. Every single feeling I am experiencing now is my fault. Completely my fault. I was the asshole that pushed Zaili too far. The asshole that pushed at her boundaries.

Hate me. That's what I feel like I've been screaming at her throughout this past week. I haven't done anything but push. I am sick of it.

My heart clenchessas I remember the single tear softly rolling down Zaili's cheek. It clenches again when I remember how she slammed her door. Again when I remember how she kissed Ashton's cheek.

The tears began rolling when I thought about how far they could have gone already. I know Zaili, so it won't be that far, but even just the slightest kiss on the lips was eight years more progression than my own program.

I put in The Order of the Phoenix.  I've been up most of the night. Twice I was asleep, yet I was still awake enough; for my tears to  follow me  into my dreams.

I got lost in my movie again. Tears wouldn't solve anything right now. Damn, I wish I wasn't so in touch with my emotions. It's such a pest, being almast completely certain of what you feel in somw situations.

Why? I hate that one-word question. It reminds me that there is always a reason, and that is some of the scariest shit ever. There is a reason murderers murder. A reason why rapists rape. A reason why Zaili turned me-the idea of an us-down. The reason is unknown to me, for now, but even if it will never be info for me, I will always trust Zaili. She is the only girl I've ever accepted so deep into my life. I showed her my kindergarten picture, the way I air-guitar, how I pet my imaginary hobbit.

I've let her in, yet now I'm struggling to get her out. She won't stay out of my head. Of my life.

"Harry, what does it feel lije when you see Ginny with Dean? I'm your best friend, Harry, I see the way you look at her," Hermione cries.

"It feels like this, Hermione, it feels like this," Harry and I reply together.

Yay for all Potterheads. 

Cue the waterworks.