As you say

Chapter 33

"So are we going to go now?" Ash asked, tugging on my arm. I shoot him a glare and swallow another spoon of ice cream. Ice cream always helps.

Or maybe I am just appreciating something I definitely know I love. I don't know.

"What's the time?" I ask my Dad shakily. Dad gives me a half-smile. He knows what this is like. That sucks, actually. No one should know what having your life taken over feels like.

"Twenty to twelve. We should get going," he says softly. My heart stings and I swallow the lump in my throat. Heartache is some nasty situation.

"Okay," I breath and shut the tub of Caramel Ice.

"You'll be fine, Zaili. I know you will be. You're too strong not to be. Tonight doesn't change anything for you," Ashton says as he takes my hand. I've never noticed how strange his eyes are. One moment they seem to be flowing, next minute they're changing direction. Or maybe I'm just dizzy.

I squeeze Ashton's hand back and follow as ge leads me out of the door. I don't dare to let go, because his hand seems to be tge only thing that's keeping me from fleeing to South Africa. Joy.

"I don't know what I am, Ashton. I don't know if I will be a Warrior, or a Hunter, or a Peaceholder. I have no idea who I am," I whisper. My voice trembles, it shakes.

"I don't know either, but i do know that you will still be the Zaili I know and care for when we get the verdict," Ashton smiles down at me.

"But I am very prone to suggestion! What if I change when i hear what they think I am? What if I won't be like myself anymore? Hell, I don't even know who I am yet!" I argue.

'What if I am no longer the girl who you want to be with? Or the girl Blake seems to like? What if I won't be the girl who gets good marks on her rapport cards? Or the girl who live for Saturdays? Or the girl all parents love?'' my mind cries to me. I feel like screaming back at it. I don't know.

"You will survive. I think that that's all you need Zaili. That does seem to be all you need," he smiles down at me and tugs me along. I don't say another word. I don't know if I actually need to. He understands.

The second we near the Middle, he lets my hand go. I feel as if my knees turned to ice, and the ice is spreading through my body slowly. It'll be touching my heart soon. Kind of makes me wish I had eaten cookies instead.

"Is everyone present? Pack, and Initiates? Is the complete One present?" Alpha asks as he steps into the middle. Dimitri whoops from the back. He may be thirty, but he was usually the energetic one. Every group has one of them.

"Thank you, Dimitri," Alpha smiles at him before turning to face us. I realised the Pack has formed a half-circle around Shane, Calla and I.

Alone. Single. Isolated.

"Zaili, Calla, Shane, welcome," Alpha smiles at us. He seems to be giving out a lot of smiles tonight. Shane, Calla and I take eachothers hands, I am stick in the middle of our trio. I don't know who needs the support more. "I will save you the speech, you know how it goes. You also know how this works, so this could go quickly, if tgere is no struggle. We'll be dealing with you in reverse alphabetical order of names, very well? So Calla, come girl, sit on my stump," Alpha invites Calla over.

She was supposed to have another eight months. Alpha knows this. Maybe that is why he is acting like a grandfather now. Maybe he knows how scared the three of us are. I give her a last squeeze as she steps forward. The air is cold on my empty hand now. I do not envy Calla. Shane's fingers loop through mine abd he tries to get a better grip. Both of us are sweating.

If I could pretend I was in the croud, it was actually quite boring. In reality, I need a Valoid.

The murmers running throught the One Pack was so low I can not catch a thing. I have have no idea what they think of Calla. None. I'm not even prepared to try and see the way of others, never mind myself. I have not stood with Shane for five minutes until Alpha stood up and moved next to the stump again.

Calla openly gapes at Alpha. The average time a Initiate is usually judged is twenty minutes. She was short work.

"Calla James, stand up. Come join this Pack, become a true part in the One, and fulfil your duties as a Peaceholder," Alpha comands. I am blinded by Calla's smile. She's happy with her verdict. This makes my throat go dry. She is happy.

"Shane, come up here," Alpha smiles at our little duet. I wince as the bloodflow come back into my hand as Shane steps up to the stump. I am alone now.

Shane's hands shake so bad I can see them vibrating from where I'm standing. But only his hands. He could contain his fear. He is stronger than I am. He shoots me a hesitant glance, and I lift my hands to eye level.

"See, I'm shaking too," I mouth silently at him. He nods and glances back at the One Pack. Calla sits in the middle of it, and ger head is held higher than the rest; she's proud to be where she is. I want that.

Shane closes his eyes as he sits on the stump, and from where I'm standing he seems to sit proudly, stiff back and hand folded neatly in his lap. He is brave.

This time I concebtrate on what I feel. I didn't search for the vibe coming from Calla. I was focused on keeping myself together. I only just realized a destraction should be my focus.

I don't know what I'm searching for. I feel literally nothing. Maybe it's because I don't know how. Maybe I am unable to do it. Maybe I'm just stupid. There is so much that I don't know.

I open my eyes and stare at my hands. They are not shaking anymore, but I am trying my best to keep the tears that are already in my eyes from spilling over. I imagine water running into the shower's drain. That's always worked, and it still does.

Twenty minutes.

"Shane Jeffrey! Welcime to our ranks! Step forward, young one, and be One with your Pack! You are now a Warrior!" Alpha shouts. I have to surpress a giggle. This all sounds so corny.

And then I realize that it's my turn. I want to turn around and run, but I don't, because I know Tatiana can catch me. She's a sprinter.

"Zaili, care to join me?" Alpha asks. I am already walking. Face your fears, YOLO, or whatever; I don't know what gave me the strenght to walk forward. I only realuzed as I walked how stiff my feet are. I should've realized, no one stands still for half an hour.

"Strenght," Alpha muttered and hugged me to his side before stepping back into the ranks. I think that's the most affectionate moment I have ever shared with my grandfather.

I sit on the ground next to the stump. I don't see any extraordinary familiar faces in the first row, and my vision is blurry further on. So I close my eyes. I don't want to spend my last few free minutes thinking of others, as selfish as that may seem.

But I have no idea how to project my most basic self to my audience. I think it should be classified as impossible. I mean, how can you project feelings? I only realize too late that I have no idea what I'm doing.

So now I'm just sitting here, making a list of stuff I like, and stuff I dislike. Maths, like. Ice cream, like. Custard, dislike. Dancing, like. Music, like. Models, dislike. Tables, dislike. Karate, like. Apples, dislike. Water, like. Babies, like. Phot-

"Zaili, stand up, please," Alpha says. But it, his voice, different this time. With Calla and Shane he was energetic and enthusiastic and wild. When he said my name he was calm. Controlled. And I don't dare open my eyes. I don't dare.

Blindy, I stand up. I think the stump is the only thing keeping me up, but right now I don't care who sees my knees shake, all I care for is the time and the verdict.

And then I open my eyes, because I do not want to be blind in my last few seconds of freedom. But I don't look any further than Alpha's face. I was as desperate for the verdict as I wasn't.

Alpha was rigid. His jaw was clenched, but his eyes, his eyes are so warm. I have never seen him like this before. Never in my life.