𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐮𝐬𝐞𝐬 𝐦𝐞 ~ 𝐱𝐱𝐱

𝔡𝔦𝔰𝔬𝔯𝔡𝔢𝔯...

Velani...
Sunday, 4th September
i woke up and my head hurt like shit
i still remembered all the events that happened yesterday

Feel like a brand new person (but you make the same old mistakes)
I don't care I'm in love (stop before it's too late)
Feel like a brand new person (but you make the same old mistakes)

the song repeated itself in my head driving me insane. i feel light headed , and automatically pain slashed my head right in the centre. the song still repeated itself.

over and over again.

the mesmerising voice of the singer brought me back to the room i was at when raped. i close my eyes, all i see are the prints on the walls. and that picture , that same picture of Marilyn Monroe. flashbacks of the traumatising event flashed in my eyes.

i rub my temples in pain and frustration.

"JAH" i slightly yelled still focused on the pain in my head. when i call his name , immediately the song stops , the flashbacks and that same picture. it all stops, as if his name brought it to an end.

i open my eyes , out of breath from what i just experienced. i begin to sob, wondering when it'll end. wondering if it'll happen to me again.

all that i went through
all how much Jahseh helped me
i can't ever thank him enough for that
it all hurt so much now
i sat up and processed my surroundings
i realised i was in Jahseh pyjama pants and topless with just a bra on
because my shirt was ripped

"jah" i whispered
he wasn't in the room
i got up threw on one of his hoodies and headed out and left the room
i saw Stokeley playing a game with Isaiah
"yo Velani how are you?" Stokeley said with a look of concern. "I'm good , hey Isaiah"
"hey"
suddenly i felt the need to use the toilet
"hey where y'all bathroom?"
Stokeley stood and took me to their bathroom door. "Thank you" i said.
"your welcome
oh by the
way I'm sorry about what happened yesterday
it must be hard."
him saying that felt like someone sticking a knife in my stomach i was honestly trying to forget it. i smiled then walked into their bathroom. i heard the water running. "Jahseh is that you?"
his head pocked out of the shower curtain. "you alright?"
"i mean i can't say yeah but I'm trying. but something weird happened just now"
i say, playing around with the string of the hoodie.
"what,what happened?"
i breath in and release it afterwards.
"i keep hearing this weird song , it keeps repeating in my head over and over again. I- i don't know and everytime i hear it memories of last night come flashing back at me. it hurts"

"what? that's so strange, do you think it's trauma or..."
"god , i really don't know, it just happened now for the first time
and this picture of Marilyn Monroe pops up in my head and these prints on Kam'eron's walls always pop up as well. This one print, like the print on the dollar bill."
i explain all of this whilst rubbing the side of my temples.
"that's weird bruh, just let me know if it happens again. There's some tablets in the cupboard for a headache if you need some"
he let out a heavy sigh and went back in the
shower.
i used the toilet and then stayed in there and brushed my teeth and washed my face. he
finally got out. i guess
he forgot i was still in
here cause i stopped talking. i
looked up and turned my head fast.
"uhm jah"
my hearts started beating a little faster and my palms got a little sweaty.
"oh velani!" he laughed
he quickly wrapped a towel round his waist and approached me turning my face his way
his body was amazing
his tattoos fit perfectly and he had abs on abs
he was still dripping
wet from the shower
and what i saw made me drip wet
he grabbed my hand and rubbed on it
i put my other hand on his chest and felt on his abs
"let's go" he said looking at me with his big black eyes.
i stood up and walked with him.
around him i felt safe
and i felt like nothing could harm me.
we went down stairs and he made me breakfast:
eggs , sausage and bacon.
as i ate i looked over at jah who was just playing with the food he made.
"Jahseh, what wrong?"
he looked at me frowned giving me the impression that he thinks i wouldn't understand and looked at his food again.
"Jah" 𝙞𝙜𝙣𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙙
"Jahseh" 𝙞𝙜𝙣𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙙
"Jah-
"WHAT!" he stared at me with emptiness in his face. Rage , fear , anger , hopelessness screamed out of his reaction.
"Jahseh what's your problem?"
he got up and left the table
leaving his food 
i trembled , I've never seen that side of Jahseh.
Why was he acting like that
he left me in complete shock.
i cleaned up in the kitchen and then went
upstairs.
i approach Jahseh's door to hear sniffing and sobbing
i walk in and it was jahseh , crying.
i ran up to him and gave him a hug
"whatever it is everything with be okay , okay baby"
i rubbed his back and the back of his neck
"Jah, what's wrong?"

he was crying hard and his breathing became hasty

"fuck , it's the fucking voice , help me...please"

he held my hands tightly and his eyes grew dark

he looked at me and i wipe his tear. before i was done he held my hand
against his face.
"I have depression and i suffer with Schizophrenia"
i dropped my hand from his face and looked him in the eyes.
"i have voices in my head and multiple personalities that come out when needed , things i can't control and i take all my pain out on people who don't deserve it
i'm sorry about what happened downstairs i was stressed out.  I was diagnosed when I was 5 years old when my ma used to stay with me"

"do you have meds or something to help calm you down"
"yeah , the meds make it worse please just stay with me"

his breathing became harsh but slow. when he gripped onto me. i felt emotion. the emotion of fear.

"just stay here for the day , they've let go of me many times , i just want someone to comfort me , don't go , please"

"i won't jahseh i promise , I'll stay till you feel okay , okay?"

he grabbed my waist and held me tight against him. i put my hands on his dreads playing with them as a form of comfort. i feel myself begin to catch feelings i couldn't explain to myself.

•JAHSEH•

she looked at me , and as usual she trembled.

i didn't want to scare her off. i didn't want her to leave , not today , not now , not right now

"why didn't you tell me this Jahseh
what do you think would've happened?"

"i was scared. i didn't want to scare you off i didn't want you to feel scared of me and my strange problems"

"don't think like that jahseh , i won't leave for a reason like that. we all have 'strange problems' you can trust me i ain't closed minded like that. i can tell you find it hard to trust and to let people in. i can tell you need someone to protect you , and suffice for you , if you trust me enough i could be that person. i will forever be that person despite what ever happens between us , I'll always be here. just trust me."

i can tell she wanted to say that for a long time now because she let out a sigh of relief. how did she just read me like that. why is she still here knowing how hard I've made things for shorty.

she rubbed on my arms and examines all the scars
"Jah." she lookes at me and i see water threatening to fall from her eyes .
she blinks and one falls and she wipes it fast without hesitation.

"I'm sorry i didn't help you sooner I'm so sorry" we cry in each other's arms.

she had me like no one else did.
i just want her to well you know
prove it.

𝙄 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙧.