Notes To Myself (a Joshler story)

Day 802, 11:42 AM

Josh's heart was pounding heavily in his chest. He got the Polaroid out of the envelope.

"We finally got the key to our first apartment together!" Was written on it in Tyler's handwriting. What Tyler described was exactly what he saw on the photo: Tyler's arms were tightly around his neck, as he kissed Josh's cheek. Himself was smiling brightly, holding Tyler close with one arm, while holding the key up in his other hand. They looked so, so happy together.

He got up from the bar stool. His hands were trembling as he folded the letter and held it close as he walked to the letter room. He opened the drawer that Tyler mentioned and there were countless of polaroids from them in it.

He rummaged through them, picking up a few to look at themselves together and what was written on it.

'Beach day! Josh didn't want to spend time putting on sunscreen, so I did it for him. Not wanna risk my boy's health in any way!!'

'Our first Christmas together! Bought him way too many presents, but he did the same for me!'

'We picked out a Christmas tree today! My Joshua and I are decorating it right now. I love this man.'

'Recently Joshua discovered his love for baking. This is the third cake this week, and it's only Thursday! He doesn't love it as much as he loves me though, he told me. I believe him.'

'Ashley's first poetry reading! We were being supportive brothers. While she looked beautiful, I couldn't keep my eyes off of my beautiful man, though.'

'Taco Bell, 'cause we love it. Josh's tummy now hurts because he ate too much. Can't blame him, Taco Bell is to die for.'

'Josh and I went to a petting farm, and they had lop bunnies. As you can see, he fell in love with this one bunny in particular. We adopted her.'

'Today we celebrated pride together for the first time. Let's make this a tradition, baby. I wanna see you with rainbow flags on your cheeks every year.'

'He said yes.'

Josh's heart stopped as he stared at the last one. He put the rest back while he held that one in his hand.

Tyler's smile was huge, bigger than on any other pic. There were tear stains on his cheeks as he hugged Josh tightly.

He then looked at himself. He was kind of a wreck; his eyes were closed, crying his eyes out as he pushed the side of his head against Tyler's, one arm around his fiancé's neck as he cried while he held out the other hand, his arm extended, to show off the ring Josh had gotten him.

He looked so incredibly happy. He couldn't imagine being as happy as he saw himself on that pic.

Josh's heart ached as he looked at that pic. It was pounding heavily in his chest as he put the photo back, on top of the stack of other pictures, before he closed the drawer. He left the room, still holding Tyler's letter.

He looked through the window and saw Tyler on the balcony. He opened the door and got on the balcony himself.

"Ty... Tyler?" Josh softly spoke up. Tyler didn't react right away, but then he looked up and he saw the tears rolling down Tyler's cheeks.

Josh's breath hitched and a tear escaped. He held up the letter.

"I'm so sorry", Josh whispered, voice cracking. He then kneeled down and wrapped his arms around Tyler.

Tyler clung to him immediately, a heartbreaking sob leaving his lips. Josh's heart broke and he tightened his hug as he squeezed his eyes closed. He could feel another tear roll down his cheek.

Josh pulled back a little, but he rested his forehead against Tyler's. "Tyler?" He asked. Tyler nodded softly, breath hitching.

"I love you", Josh said. Tyler pulled back, breath hitching. "W-what? N-no no, no you can't say that what are you doing? Why are you saying that?" Tyler rambled, eyebrows frowning deeply as he shook his head and moved away from Josh.

"My mind forgets but my heart does not, right? You said it yourself", Josh said. "Y-yeah but- but you can't-you can't say that right now, not already, it's not even noon- Josh you're not supposed to say it now- you're not I-" Tyler rambled. Josh could see Tyler's chest rising and falling quickly, and he was trembling and he looked ruined and Josh felt he was starting to have a panic attack.

"shh", Josh softly told him as he got up and sat down next to him on the bench. He wrapped his arms tightly around Tyler, running his hand through his hair. Tyler's breath hitched, but he calmed down slowly. Tyler closed his eyes, trying to focus on the embrace and the fingertips against his scalp.

"Why am I not supposed to say it? When do I usually say it?" Josh softly asked.

"A-at around 10 PM", Tyler softly stuttered. "10 Pm? I never said it sooner?" Josh asked. Tyler shook his head no. "And I... is every day the same?" Josh asked. "Usually... usually most o-of the days are m-mostly the s-same", Tyler whispered. "So... you live every day several times because of me?" He asked. Tyler didn't react right away, but then lightly nodded.

"Today... t-today it's the f-first time in 802 days that's- that's very d-different", Tyler whispered. "Fuck", Josh muttered.

He let go of Tyler and got off the bench. He kneeled down in front of him again and he grabbed his hands.

"Tyler? I want you to listen carefully to me", Josh told him. Tyler couldn't look into Josh's eyes for the longest time, but then he finally did, and he nodded hesitantly.

"My mind forgets but my heart does not", he whispered. "When you... when you tapped my arm, and I felt your fingertips against my arm, and when I looked at you as you handed me the letter and turned around to walk away... my heart was feeling something I didn't understand. I didn't get it but because of it I didn't want you to leave, I didn't want you to walk away, I wanted you to go back to the apartment with me. I didn't realize it, but now I do. I know it's because I love you Tyler", Josh whispered. "I know hardly anything about you, and I have so many unanswered questions and basically you're a stranger to me but I love you, I love you", he said as he held Tyler's hands in his own. He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss on the back of Tyler's hands.

"And I need you to help me", he softly said. "I need you to help me figure out more. I need you to answer my questions okay?" Josh asked softly.

Tyler was basically bawling his eyes out, squeezing Josh's hands in his own way too tightly as he squeezed his eyes closed, let out a sob, and nodded.

He opened his eyes and let go of Josh's hands. He rested his own hands in Josh's neck and moved his thumb over his cheek. He bit his lip hard, before he leaned forward. He pressed a long, firm kiss on Josh's forehead, squeezing his eyes closed as more tears followed. He then wrapped his arms around his neck and hugged him. "I-I will, I'll tell you- e-everything", he promised.

~~

Omg ok what did you guys think of this?please let me know! May or may not have cried already. I love you so much!! I hope you loved this too. <3