Notes To Myself (a Joshler story)

Day 803, 02:32 AM

⚠️//before you read: I can't remember what season I started writing this book in (the season in the book), but because I feel like it I'm gonna go ahead and say that it's early winter//⚠️

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Tyler wiped some tears off of his cheek as he made sure Josh was tucked in warmly. A teardrop fell down on to Josh's cheek and Tyler carefully wiped it away.

"I love you", Tyler whispered. "Please, Joshie, please don't forget about me. Please don't forget me", Tyler whispered, before he pressed a firm kiss on the forehead of his sleeping boy.

They tried to stay awake, but Josh was exhausted and fell asleep. Tyler didn't blame him, not at all, but once he found out that Joshua's eyes were closed and he was asleep, he couldn't help but cry. He knew that Josh only forgot about Tyler when he was asleep; he didn't just randomly forget about him in the middle of the day. So once Josh fell asleep, Tyler knew he'd lost him again.

He also realized Josh hadn't written a letter to himself; they completely forgot about it. So Tyler searched the house and found the letter Josh wrote last night, changed the day from 802 to 803, made sure everything else would still make sense, and stuck it to the door.

He kissed Josh's cheek softly one more time, before he wiped his own tears off of Josh's face and he got up. He walked to the door, sniffling, looking at the peacefully sleeping boy one more time, before he opened the door and left the room. He closed the door behind him, and that's when the sobs started. He covered his mouth, trying to muffle the sounds 'cause he didn't want to - he couldn't - wake Josh up.

He quickly grabbed his stuff, making sure he had everything and he wouldn't leave anything that would or could confuse Josh, before he opened the front door and halted. He turned around, lookig at the bedroom door of Josh's room - which used to be their shared bedroom.

"I love you", Tyler said. "Please, please don't forget me", he said. He then blew a kiss toward the bedroom, before he forced himself to turn around and he left the apartment before he closed the door behind him.

Once outside, he broke down completely as he collapsed to his knees in front of the door, dropping his stuff on the ground around him as he covered his face with his hands. His heart was shredded into pieces, pulled at and plucked until there were so many different pieces left, that it was impossible to glue it back together. He pulled his hair, clawed at his arm, cried like he'd only done a few times before; when Josh got in the accident, and when Josh forget about him.

Tyler was unable to move or function for half an hour as he sobbed his eyes out, before he finally managed to force himself to move. He opened the box that held the cupcakes, seeing that they were completely ruined because he'd dropped it on the ground, and he just cried harder. But what was left of the cupcake, wasn't even close to what was left of Tyler's crumbled heart.

He managed to get his stuff and got moving. It was getting much colder much quicker outside, the temperature being below freezing point and Tyler was feeling like an ice cube. Collapsed on the ground crying wasn't the best idea in such cold weather, and he hated himself for being so weak and dumb.

Tyler managed to get home, and attempted to save his cupcakes that he made with Josh. Tears rolled down his cheeks constantly as he tried to repair the heart shapes that Josh made with the first letter of their names on them, and he didn't stop until he had attempted his best. He didn't stop until he knew that nothing else could be done.

He then carefully put them in a cold area so they wouldn't expire; he wanted to save them. It was his only physical or visible memory that he had of their day together today. He didn't want to lose them. Not yet.

Then Tyler sat down and he wrote Josh's letter. He knew that he had to do it; it was his responsibility. He had to write a letter for Josh to hand to him tomorrow.

Tyler saw the time ticking by, but it was hard to write a letter when you could only see blurry because of how hard you were crying. Every time a tear fell on the paper he cursed himself, hoping it wouldn't ruin the letter for Josh too much.

When he was finally done and got in bed, he set a shit ton of alarms to make sure he would wake up in time. He only had a handful of hours left before he had to be at the coffee house to give Josh his letter.

"Please, please please please remember me, please remember me, please Joshie", he whispered through his tears. "Please don't forget about me again, please don't forget about me for the eight hundred and third time. Please remember me", he cried.

And he kept crying, until he eventually had cried himself to sleep, still shivering from the cold and lack of his lover's body warmth.

~~

😭

What did you think? I'd love to hear your opinion. I'm feeling big sad & am very curious to hear your opinion!

Poor ty ☹️

Merry Christmas babies ♥️