I Complain Too Much

Welcome to a Brain Fart followed by storytime ??? Why am i like this?

This is gonna be disjointed because I'm currently writing an essay and it really should be my main focus but I do not care I don't wanna write it.

So if it starts to stop making sense, that's why. The essay will be the exact same to be honest, and at this point I don't even care. This is what happens when my English Lit teacher decides to randomly throw essay homework on me, which no doubt happens to countless others as well. Still, this is my place to complain, and complain I will.

I'm back half an hour or so after I started this complaint to say that I'm on my third paragraph and I just wasted about ten minutes scrolling through posts I've already seen on tumblr.

However, there was one critic dude who really insulted ma boi Shakespeare, and basically said 'yeah your plots are shit and why the fuck would any of this shit actually happen dude what the hell? also you can't write for shit ByE'. Not a direct quote, I should clarify. I don't think critics are allowed to write essays like that unless they have proof and stuff of what they're saying (after all that is the POINT of a critic).

Anyway I'm gonna get back to my essay for a bit longer, just figured I'd also add that I am planning on adding a bunch of stuff about Classical myths just to bulk out the paragraph because I can't think of anything to say.

I'm not kidding.

I just did that reference because I am UnCrEaTiVe (and tired). When these things combine - well, you're seeing the result right now. Just a big clusterfuck.

Anyway onto the actual rant.

I hate deadlines.

I especially hate them when you've spent the whole day trying to be creative and form a beat drop for the benefit of your coursework only to come home three hours later and be absolutely exhausted and craving chocolate. I hate them when you realise you didn't do shit yesterday for homework when you probably should have but you had no motivation then and no motivation now.

Two hours later, half an hour of hanging out with my brother working out the chords for random songs and playing them on them on the piano as he guitars. I have two and a half paragraphs written, and I'm gonna finish it tomorrow because it's now 10pm and no.

Just no.

I think you can understand that.

So what do I talk about now?

Well, I don't really know. I just kind of started this to complain about my essay and then continuously got distracted, but now I'm gonna ramble on about random shit for as long as it takes to get the chapter to a sensible length so it's worth actually publishing. I don't know how long that'll take.

Meanwhile I'm gonna just sit awkwardly because my wrist hurts from too much piano. Harmonising with the songs he's playing because they're out of my range, as I literally always do.

I'm just too lazy to extend my range. That's not impressive. That's just laziness more than anything. And I've not warmed up properly which could have something to do with it.

Oh well. Too late to have a proper warm up now, and I really don't want my voice to glitch out on me before my singing lesson tomorrow.

Ooh should I tell you the story of how I started singing and stuff? And I guess it kinda links to everything I am today so here we go, story time with Izzy! Out of nowhere! Because why not!

So it all started when I was three, nearly four. I joined a theatre school, one of the clubs that happens on Saturdays for like three hours a week? That sort of thing. One hour of singing, one hour of drama, one hour of dance.

And over the years I just learned the technique of having a diaphragm. And then when I was about six, I switched from the 'preschool' age school thing to the 'I am not two years old' school. If that makes any sense. The singing teacher was incredible.

She had us lying on the floor trying to use only our diaphragm to lift a water bottle so that we breathed properly. She introduced me to the concept of harmonies and taught us how to keep to our own part. When I was about ten, I was part of an acapella performance with the whole school which had about ten separate parts. I sang with the older boys because my voice was stupidly low. But I still found myself taking part in something, and I loved it more than I realised I would.

I'd done performances before that, but it was this which gave me a chance to actually focus on the tuning and everything a lot more. It was so much more technical and I think that's what provided me with the voice I have today.

When I was about eight, I was kicked out of the primary school choir. Not because I was out of tune, or because my voice was particularly terrible. Because I was 'too loud'.

I was too loud.

That still makes me laugh. Me, one eight year old, was louder than twenty or so mixed age primary school children put together. All because I knew how to breathe properly and avoid straining my voice. It's such a dumb situation to face, but I faced it. And I ended up quitting because I didn't wanna use the wrong technique and the songs were too high pitched anyway.

Yeah what is with the trend of songs for children literally being higher than anything else? Because it cuts out the kids who don't wanna live their life trying to use a head voice that isn't fully developed yet in an attempt to avoid ripping out their own vocal chords.

(Slight exaggeration. I actually turned to harmony to keep myself sane.)

And then I started to sing in the musical evenings at school, and I was basically in everything for a while because I was confident enough to perform and support other more terrified singers and also because I could harmonise. And because the music teachers liked me. I was used to performance by now because I'd done it so often with theatre school.

I wanna share something that was shared with me on one of those musical evenings, because it caught my attention and my heart and made me realise what music and performing is all about. It might seem like I'm showing off by telling you this story but I'm not. I just feel like it made me more determined to do music.

There was a parent of one of the kids in the massive choir, and she had brought with her the sibling of her child. This other child had some sort of learning or development disorder, I feel awful for not knowing exactly what it was anymore. It was years ago. She came up to me when the evening was over and I'd gone to speak with my own parents, as you do.

She essentially told me that, when I was performing, this little girl with learning difficulties actually relaxed. She stopped fidgeting, and just sat there and appreciated the music.

I don't think I can explain how powerful that is, even now. It was life changing to hear something like that. Completely life changing. And I don't think I'll ever forget it. If I need to become more humble in the future, I will just need to think of that moment where I was able to have that sort of impact on someone, at least for a while, and bring them I guess a form of peace?

That is utterly incredible.

And then in about year 9 or 10 (so 14-15 ish age wise) I started having private singing lessons. Why? Because I wanted to improve my technique and my voice. I still do those now. And I'm getting better, slowly. Nearly better enough to call myself good. Not quite.

But yeah, I've always been a singer of sorts and so when I started the whole song writing thing it just felt like a natural progression from one thing to another. It was like it was supposed to happen, which is weird and cliche but also true.

Wonders I'm getting sleepy so I'll end it here before I get too mushy, and I'll figure out a title as well now. Hopefully that helps you understand me a lil bit more and I don't feel like I've over shared in the morning. I probs won't. You guys are awesome. 💜