I Complain Too Much

Rant 2: Can being 'intelligent' work as a disadvantage? Discuss.

Okay, this is gonna sound a little weird, but since this is a rant book I don't care as much about that. Imma just get right into the rant today.

Basically, the human brain is conditioned to focus on the negative parts of life because then we can evolve and adapt and all of those primary things that caused us to survive earlier on in history. I know that for a lot of you, that won't come as a surprise.

That particular trait of focusing on the negative appears to be stronger in me. And I think I know why.

When I was younger, I slowly grew used to being right a lot. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, because I don't feel like I need to - I do get pretty good grades. And that's just mainly due to luck, I think, and the fact that I genuinely love to learn. I'm able to link things to context and stuff just because somehow I want to know said context and pay way too much attention to that.

So I saw these grades when I was younger and said 'I am kinda clever, I mustn't get things wrong'. People expect a certain standard from me, and if I fall behind, then that's not right. It's like, something is wrong, or that whole thing is a complete facade.

Without getting too distracted from what I was trying to actually rant about, during secondary school I became the target. And not for bullying. For grades.

People would compare their marks to mine, and then try and figure out if they did better than me. If they did? 'Oh my gosh it's a miracle, maybe she's dying or maybe that person is just having a lucky day'. If they didn't? 'Oh my gosh I must be the most unintelligent person on the planet because I didn't get the top grade.'

In other words, I can't win no matter what I do. Either I focus on myself and my own grades and succeed or I sacrifice my own grades in an attempt to make others feel better about themselves.

I just hide what I get now. Until people loudly question me on them and then shout them across the whole classroom, causing students to huff in irritation and stare at their own grades with disappointment instead of pride. That's the thing. They compare themselves with me, instead of with what they got in the past. Instead of claiming that they improved, they focus on the fact that they aren't as good as others.

Now, I'm not about to say I'm the best in everything. I am crap at dancing, taking responsibility, talking to other people, making friends, asking for favours or stuff like that. I'm antisocial, and that's because most of the time I'm happier alone. Sometimes it's because I don't like people. Sometimes it's just because I'm tired. Or both. Or just something else. 

I can't speak any other language (I'm trying to learn, though, I promise!) and sometimes I can barely speak in English either, which is my only language. Sure, I can write, but you should see me tryna speak sometimes in real life. It's literally the most depressing thing you've ever seen. Or the funniestm depending on your view of it. 

Anyway, back to the point. As a result of all of this, I kind of expect myself to get things right, and expect myself to be good at things. Because that's kind of what I've experienced from others. If I can't hit that note on this one day, or I can't sight read because my brain is fried, I immediately assume that it's my fault somehow, or that it's permanent? 

Basically, every time I get something wrong, I lose confidence in seconds. 

So when I'm challenged about my grades by classmates, or told that I'm doing something right, sometimes it just makes me feel worse about myself because I know I've just put more pressure to do well later on in other assessments, or in other exams or situations or whatever. 

In reality, everyone makes stupid mistakes. Ironically, I just typed that as 'mstiakes'. Which proves my point, I think. 

Now, what am I actually supposed to be ranting about again? 

Oh yeah. It was yesterday. First piano lesson back after the holidays, during which I focus on Christmas songs, because obviously. And what does my teacher do? She decides that every missed detail is a catastrophe, every time I stutter or pause or get the rhythm slightly wrong. So every time - pause - 'No, do that again!'

And I guess it's good to stop mistakes before they become habit, but that seems a little unfair. And when I did something right, no validation or praise. Nothing at all. Just a nod, and the lesson carried on. 

Even my sister, who is sometimes my harshest critic (I love her, but it's the truth, she can be a lil bit fussy, as we all can), thought that the teacher was being a lil bit on the harsh side. And I know you are hearing only my side of the story, but that's because I want you to be on my side here, oops. 

But I suppose it is fair, in a way, because I do have my exam coming up in March, and if I don't step my game up, I'm gonna fail it. I didn't do grades for a long time, so it's not that impressive, and it does make me look bad when I say I've done nearly ten years of piano but I'm only on the fourth grade. 

I ask you to take in consideration the following - I started grades two years into learning to play the piano, I don't take them as seriously as some other kids (and therefore each grade is about two ish years to do), and I simply don't focus on the pieces very much. I'm more of a song writer and creative player, who focuses on learning to play songs by ear (mainly BTS to be honest) and then practises them and her own songs more than the pieces she has as 'homework'.

I can play some songs with my eyes closed, or at least I used to be able to. I could close my eyes and play Blood Sweat and Tears, without being bothered at all by the big intervals. Actually, BTS is a good artist for me to try and cover, not just because I love them but also because of the improvisation opportunities during rap parts. Keep to rhythm of raps, but add a melody. It's more complex than it might seem, especially if you're not listening to the song at the same time.

It takes me about ten minutes, sometimes less, to have the melody of a whole song learned. Longer if it's a complex chord pattern.  

Well, now that I've made myself seem unskilled and arrogant, I'm gonna stop talking and instead ask you for your view on the situation. Was she right to be so focused on being correct in the first lesson? Was I wrong to have a lower confidence as a result of that, and be more scared of getting things wrong? 

And, more importantly, now that you've realised that I cannot actually play the piano to a competent level, and that I'm really petty and over confident in academic stuff, I'm almost half expecting you to have a lower opinion of me. But then I sound attention seeking.

Ah, fuck it. Give me attention dang it!!!!! 

I'm kidding. Kind of. But I still wanna hear your views, if you're willing and able to share them.