Our Own World

Chapter Thirty - Fears Becoming Real

My birthday is in three days. December 17th. I have never been so excited for a birthday before. Ace and I won't see each other at all when I move and it will be one of our last days together. Except after we move, we will see each other when Luke and Riley get married here. I'm so hurt that I'm leaving.

We'll be turning nineteen. I can't believe I'm turning nineteen in only a few days.

Ace and I haven't seen each other lately because we've both been so busy. Every time we face time he's always smiling and saying how much he misses hanging out with me. I miss him too.

I decided today to go through some of my clothes and donate some to charity. I think it's a good idea because I'm moving away soon and I want a fresh start when I move to Vermont. I will definitely miss it here but I can't wait to start a new life.

All this time I've been thinking moving away will be so difficult, but I'm kind of excited. I mean, I'm moving to a new city, I can start over and just be able to have a fresh, clean slate, we'll move into a new house, I'll have new friends, a new school, a whole new life. Yes, I'm going to miss my friends but I feel like I can finally start over and start fresh. It will feel nice for sure.

As I was pulling a box of some old shoes, out from under my bed, I saw a little note in an envelope sitting on the ground. I was confused, so I read the envelope which said 'Camilla, open on your eighteenth birthday'. I was a year late, but I had no idea this was even here. I was even more confused because I barely recognized the writing. I picked it up and started reading it.

"Dear Camilla,

I can't believe you're finally 18! I remember when I turned the big 1-8. You're an adult now. I am so incredibly proud of you. I hope you know that.

You're only 3 months old right now and I'm already in awe of how wonderful you are.

When the doctor's told me you weren't going to make it, several times, I questioned God. But now, here you are. And you are beautiful, and wonderful and so loveable and cuddly. I love you. You are such a special child Camilla Margie, always remember that.

When I turned 18, I became very confused. I started getting ready to head off to university and I still had no idea what I wanted for myself. And then, I met your father.

Your father is the most incredible man on earth and he's so wonderful-"

I paused as the tears started welling up in my eyes. I almost wanted to rip the note into a million sheds but I kept reading.

"-and he knows exactly what I need. He's been a solid rock for me and that's so important. When we found out we might lose you, your dad was my comforter.

But we fight, a lot. We aren't perfect. When you were born, things got so complicated and your father and I got into a lot of fights. Everything was so hard and we didn't know how to deal with it all-"

That's when I lost it. I couldn't read the rest. I ripped the note into tiny pieces in fear and confusion and doubt.

I broke my parents up. They split up because of me. They fought and got a divorce in the end of it all because of me.

I threw what was left of the note in and garbage and started sobbing my eyes out.

I can't believe I ruined their marriage. My whole world came crashing down just because of that note. All along I thought that it was just because they couldn't get along about several things, but I was the one that caused all the pain to start off with.

This is the worst thing I could be dealing with right now. I think about calling Ace but I don't think it'll help. I just need time alone to understand what is happening.