whirlwind: diyue ficlets

maybe tomorrow night

shen yue opened her eyes as the sound of her alarm filled the room. she stared sleepily at the unfamiliar ceiling for a few seconds until she recognized it as the ceiling at her beijing home.

ah that's right. i'm no longer at the inn.

there was a slight pang in her chest when that thought came but she shook it off and got out of bed. new day ahead. lots of things to be done: a magazine photoshoot, filming a bunch of end of year promotional videos and a meeting to review potential new projects.

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as she went about her day, she found her thoughts wandering to the last week she'd spent in arxan. there were always so many people there. the camaraderie and stories they shared at every meal time, the games and activities they played with the guests, even the chores and manual labour she shared with the other "employees"; all of these made her feel like part of one really big family. it felt weird now to be going to her schedules only with her manager and if she's honest with herself, a little lonely.

unwittingly, as they often did, her thoughts drifted to him. in arxan, he was everywhere: in the kitchen showing off his knack for all things culinary, at the dinner table eating an ungodly amount of food while at the same time being boisterous and endearing, out in the yard excitedly making that dumb sled of his, or on the frozen lake being competitive and affectionate whenever they played a game.

there was simply no missing his existence. not that she could anyway; he wouldn't let her. every day the trademark sound of him calling her full name could be heard multiple times somewhere across the inn's property. she had no choice but to be surrounded by his presence in all her waking hours.

wang Hedi. that guy really was something else. they hadn't even contacted each other much after the MG shoot ended earlier this year but oddly the moment they met again at the inn, they went back exactly as if the MG shoot just ended the week before; bickering and teasing and wrestling each other again as if they had been friends since childhood.

it's strange. he's the only person i do this with. i don't argue and bicker like this with anyone else. why can't i seem to fight the urge to keep talking and laughing when i'm around him? i can't seem to control my reactions whenever he's near. and he can't seem to stop calling out my name and teasing me either. what's wrong with us?

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when they said goodbye at the airport yesterday, he gestured towards his phone before walking out of the arrival hall into the sea of fans.

does that mean he wanted to keep in touch?

he did tell her once that he's only a call away and it's not good to cry alone so she should call him instead.

how does he know i sometimes cry alone?

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she was getting ready for bed that night when her phone lit up. for a split second her heart raced.

is it a message from him? ah, it's Sun Ning posting memes in the group chat again.

she ignored those notifications and sat in bed with her blanket wrapped around her, fiddling with the phone in her hands and contemplating whether to contact him or not.

this scene feels familiar. didn't we go through this before? after shooting MG?

she had wanted to stayed in touch after the shoot ended. but everytime she picked up her phone and scrolled down to his contact, she hesitated for reasons she never could articulate. in the end they hadn't stayed in touch apart from the rare occasions when work called for it.

should i keep in touch this time?

sometimes when she's with him, her heart feels so full she thinks it could burst right then and there. and she laughs so much that her cheeks -- and sometimes her stomach -- hurt.

is it okay for a heart to be that full and warm all the time? will i be all right? can i handle it? what if it distracts from work? what if people ask? what will our fans say? what if i start to miss it too much? what if i start to miss him all the time?

shen yue sets the alarm on her phone and turns the screen off. not tonight; she wont contact him tonight. maybe tomorrow night. or the night after. but not tonight.

(27 December 2018)
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author's note:

in one episode of the inn yy insisted to a someone (i think it was yangzi) that she and didi weren't close and that they really don't contact eaach other much out of work.

so i started thinking. because i, for one, have people in my life i'm very fond of -- people who i seem to just click with when i meet them and have instant connections with-- but rarely contact or keep in touch with. life happens and for one reason or another i just don't contact them for months but then i see them again, and we click again right away. i will make a mental note to stay in touch this time. but i don't. and the cycle continues.

i figure this is probably true for a lot people too. so why can't it be true for dd and yy? i hope it isn't and yy's only saying that for the camera and their image, but if it were true, well ... they have their reasons.