red | e.d

twenty five

EDEN-JADE THURLOW

The hospital door creaked slightly as I pushed it open with my free hand, the bouquet of lily's, my mom's favourite, in my other. I caught a glimpse of my mother, who still laid sound asleep with countless wires attached to her body. However, sitting beside her was Alex, his eyes red and puffy, as if he'd been crying.

I sighed and stepped inside, the sound of the door shutting behind me making his eyes snap up to mine. He instantly rose to his feet, wiping under his eyes with the back of his hand. I didn't speak, instead I placed the lily's down on the wooden table beside her bed, and made my way towards my brother.

I sat down in the cushioned chair beside him and he did the same, the tension between us as clear as day. I knew he was sorry. He didn't even have to say it.

The two of us stared at our mom in silence, her pale skin and lifeless body enough to make our hearts break. The sound of the beeping heart monitor was the only thing letting me know that she was still there.

" She doesn't have long left " Was what suddenly left Alex's lips, his eyes never leaving my mom.
I turned towards him in shock, my body frozen still. I couldn't quite process what he had said, but when I did, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
" They told me that it's a matter of days, possibly hours, until everything just shuts down " He told me, a tear falling from my eye as I listened " Turns out that no matter whether that guy hit her or not, she was still going to end up like this. She's been killing herself for years with liquor "

I didn't even speak, I just wrapped my arms around my brother, in a bone crushing hug. As soon as the familiar scent of his cologne and his warmth entered my senses a loud cry left my lips, his arms draping over my body, hugging me back tighter than ever. I couldn't help it, I'd tried to be strong for far too long and recently, it had all been coming out. No matter what Alex and I argued over, we were always going to find a way back to each other.

" Years ago, I promised her that I would do everything I could, to look after you. I may have taken it too far at times, and I'm sorry. But Jade, you're my little sister " Alex sniffled, his chin resting on my head as he rubbed up and down my arm with his hand, comforting me.
I looked up at him, my head resting against his shoulder, as the two of us cried together. I hadn't seen my brother cry in so long. In years. He'd always tried to be the strong one of the two, but now, he was done hiding it. We both were. We had nothing left to lose.
" I'm going to keep that promise, forever. There won't ever be a time where I'm not there for you. No matter what happens. Okay? "

I nodded my head at this, snuggling further into him. We both watched our mom, the memories of when times were great, before everything went downhill all those years ago, coming back. It was the little things that I missed, and that I had missed throughout my teen years. The girly chats, the bond, the sense of humour that suddenly vanished. But overall, it was just the motherly love that I missed most. As tough as I tried to act, a girl really does need her mom.

But it wasn't as if that would all disappear as soon as she was gone. It had already disappeared long, long, ago.

" I miss her. I just miss how it used to be " I told my brother, more tears threatening to spill from my eyes, which practically ached from how much I had cried, over the past week.
He nodded and placed a hand on the back of my head, making me feel somewhat at rest. It stayed silent between the two of us, hearing him murmur the words me too, quietly.

I took another look at my mom, before glancing at the machines at her side. What if she was trying to hold on? As much as I hated myself for saying it, I didn't want her to hold on. To end her suffering, not just now, but her years of suffering. If this was her time, if this was the way it was supposed to be, then she needs to let go. And so do I. So does Alex. We live and we learn. I lived, and I learnt who I don't want to be, but also everything that I want to be. As shitty of a mother as she was, there was a time in both mine and my brother's lives where everything felt like pure bliss. One day, if I ever have my own family to care for, I want for them to not only experience that small moment, of joy. Their whole life, is going to be absolutely magnificent. Of course, there'll be times where it feels like I can't make that happen, or that I'm failing to keep my word, but I'll make sure of it. That's one thing, that she taught me.

Determination. She was once determined.

" I'm sorry for, uh... " I was pulled from my thoughts when Alex spoke up, his voice slightly quiet until he coughed, making himself clear " I'm sorry for punching your little boyfriend, that was a pretty shitty thing to do "
I let out a gentle laugh at this, almost a cry, as I looked up at him, resting my head back against his shoulder. My little boyfriend. It sounded kind of weird, but also... cute. Alex used to use this phrase for Luke, and he loves Luke. I took this as progress.
" It's not me you need to apologise to. But for the record, he isn't my little boyfriend. Definitely not now, anyway " I sighed a little, wiping under my eye with the back of my hand.
My brother turned towards me at this, his eyebrows furrowing together out of confusion.
" Why not? Did you have an argument? "

I didn't really know what it was. All I knew, was that I made a big mistake. I have a tendency to not think about what I'm saying, before hurting everyone that may possibly be in my path, by saying it. From Ethan's perspective, I know that he must think I'm some emotionless bitch who only hangs out with him for the sex, and who, just to be clear, does NOT want to date him.

Of course, this is completely incorrect.
And I know that, now.
But, I also know, why he must think that.

" I guess so. I just keep- I don't know-" I tried to explain, only for Alex to cut me off, knowing me like the back of his hand, more than I did myself.
" Let me guess, you keep pushing him away " He told me, his words being nothing but the complete and utter truth " I know you are, I can see it "
I nodded, wanting to shrink down into my seat when I realised that I was having a boy talk with my brother. I couldn't quite believe he was willingly having this conversation, but then I remembered his promise to my mother. He was going to take care of me, but he was going to do it right this time.
" You do that to everyone. You shut people out when something gets too real. And I know exactly why you do it, too "

I raised a brow at this, feeling intrigued. Whatever his answer to this was, would be better than mine. I didn't have an answer. In fact, I had no clue why I shut people out. He was right about the too deep thing, because everything about feelings scare me.

Alex took a second before he spoke next, unsure whether it was going to hit a spot in me. But when he said it, it was as if everything clicked. It really did. But it also became clear, that I had somebody I wanted to go and see, and something that I wanted to say. And no, it might not have been those three magical words that had been lingering in the back of my mind, desperate to be spoken. But, it was a damn near step in the right direction.

" It's hard to believe that somebody could ever love you when the people who are supposed to love you, don't. That's why "