red | e.d

thirty four

EDEN-JADE THURLOW

Today was the day I was supposed to be going back to school. But now it's the day that I visit an abortion clinic.

Ethan sat on my bed as I looked in the mirror, my shirt raised above my stomach. I was simply staring at my belly, which obviously had no sign of a bump yet. However, I couldn't help but look at it.

My eyes went from my belly to Ethan as I watched him through the mirror, the boy standing up, and heading towards me. He stood behind me and within a second his hands had landed on my waist, before they gently, ever so sweetly, slipped onto my belly.
" I'm sorry, again " He sighed, his hot breath fanning against my neck as he spoke " I'm sorry about everything. For ruining the most important day, punching Luke- H-Hurting you. Everything. I feel like every single thing I do leaves something horrible behind "

I shook my head at this, placing my hands on top of his. My thumb trailed across his palm and I turned around, staring up at the boy with glossy eyes.
" Stop apologising " Was all that I said, squeezing his hand a little, for reassurance.
I raised his fingers to my lips and pressed a quick kiss against his knuckles, something which made him smile weakly from opposite me.
" Let's go "

RED

I sat on the small bed, the nurse beside me placing the jelly onto my belly. She rubbed it in gently with the small machine and soon enough, the screen in front of Ethan and I lit up.

" You're so early on in your pregnancy, that the foetus hasn't even started to develop properly. You said before that you wanted to schedule an appointment to terminate the pregnancy, am I correct? " She asked me with a friendly glimmer in her eyes, a sigh leaving my lips as I nodded my head.
Ethan reached over and grabbed my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. Something as little as that made me feel at ease, the nurse seeing this, and beginning to smile.
" Well, you're at the legal age where you can make that choice for yourself, and it seems as though you have a lot of support through this already, which is one of the most important things " She announced, glancing back at Ethan once more as she speaks.
I nodded at this, feeling grateful for the boy at my side. He really was the most amazing person I had ever met, and welcomed into my life. As a matter of fact, he was one of the only people I had welcomed into my life. But I was so glad I had.

I couldn't help but zone out as the nurse spoke about all of the other options, my eyes staring intently at Ethan. Was this what he wanted, too? I watched him so carefully, the way he nodded slightly as she spoke, taking in all of the information. He seemed so confused, but so was I.

I knew that this was what I needed to do, what I wanted to do. With everything going on, including my financial instability, I could not afford to look after a child. Alex and I could barely afford to keep a roof over our heads, let alone providing that roof for another human being.

And for Ethan. There was UCLA. A college that he had wanted to study at for years, all the way on the other side of the country. I wasn't going to hold him back. No matter how hard he tried to let me.

I was pulled from my daydream when I felt both Ethan and the nurse's eyes on me, watching me intently. I didn't know why, but when the nurse repeated her question, I felt my heart quicken.
" Are you sure you'd like me to schedule an abortion, Miss Thurlow? I'd need for you to sign this " She asked, her eyebrows slightly raised, as if she were expecting me to change my mind.
Ethan's were too, and it was when he saw me let out a breath and slowly nod my head, that his muscles relaxed out of surprise.
" Yes "

My hands shakily gripped the clipboard as I briefly read over the sheet of paper, Ethan's eyes practically burning into my skin as I did so. The pen came into contact with the paper, where I was meant to write my name on top of the thin line.

Although, nothing happened. My hand couldn't move. It didn't dare move.

" I-I'm sorry- " I tried to apologise for taking so long, only for Ethan to place a hand on my shoulder.
The nurse sitting by us gave me a small smile, shaking her head at my words.
" You don't need to apologise, it's a lot to handle for someone your age " She said so kindly, my eyes turning slightly glossy as I took one last look up at Ethan, for reassurance.
The boy didn't do anything for a few seconds but eventually nodded his head, letting me know that whatever was right, I had to do. He was my biggest worry, what if he wanted something completely different to what I did? Although, he must have known that it was impossible, for us, right now.

I tried not to, but I couldn't help but let my tear glazed eyes stare up at the ultrasound, on the screen above us. The black and white display made me gulp, though I couldn't even make out the baby. I was so early that I couldn't even see it, but the thought of how in a few months time I may have been able to see the baby's shape, or it's head, lingered in the back of my mind.

But I couldn't.

One day. But not today. I wasn't going to bring a child into the world without being able to provide them with the best life I could. I wasn't going to do what my mother had done to me.

And with that, I gripped the pen a little harsher than before, scribbling down my signature on the line. I had no clue what to say but when the lady opposite me spoke up, her words laced with sympathy when she saw my frazzled state, it suddenly hit me.
" When would you like it scheduled for, sweetie? "

I froze for a few seconds, dropping the pen against the small desk in front of me. I had a sudden rush of confidence that this was the right decision and the words fell from my mouth ever so quickly, as Ethan squeezed my hand, keeping me sane.
" As soon as possible "