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"you only get one first love. so even if you fall for lots of other people, your first love will be the one you always remember." - Unknown ~
lynn
I located Dal's room from the paper I was given from the doctor and cautiously entered. I wish I prepared myself more for what I was about to see, but I don't think I could've in all honesty. No one is ever ready to see their lover in the condition that I had to see Dallas. It was worse than I expected.
His color was drained, he had an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. He was directly out of surgery, the doctors didn't even bother putting a hospital gown on him. His lower half was covered with a garbage hospital blanket and his chest torso up was just exposed. The sight of the amount of bandages that covered his stitches were too much for my eyes to handle, I've never felt a pain like this in my life. I'd rather be giving birth again than seeing Dallas like that.
I closed the door behind me and slowly made my way over to the side of his bed. There was one chair, right beside where he laid. I lowered myself into it, trembling but I didn't notice until then.
His chest rose and fell, the monitor beeping steadily. A friendly reminder he wasn't gone. Not yet. Not now. Not ever.
I reached over and grabbed his hand, it was cold. Colder than they normally are. And for the first time when I grabbed his hand he didn't squeeze it back. I blinked a tear down my cheek and just accepted the fact I couldn't control it. I've never been able to control my emotions, why would now be a start?
I held Dallas' hand and looked at his features, I didn't know he could appear more broken than he already was. My voice came out shakey and raspy, "I heard you got yourself into some trouble, huh?"
He didn't reply, not like I expected him to. I sniffed and continued, "Gabe doesn't know what happened, or if he does then he doesn't understand. I mean even I don't know the full story but I don't think I want to. It hurts enough just to see you like this."
I fell silent for a moment, his chest just kept rising and falling. I grew desperate and broke into sobs again, "God, I wish you could just say something! Anything!...I don't know what I'll do if I can never hear your voice again."
I looked down at the floor and kept sobbing, it was that type of crying that felt like someone was physically grabbing your heart and squeezing the tears out of it. There was so much I've wanted to say to Dallas that I've never got the chance to. So many things he didn't know.
"Dallas...I need you, alright? I've always needed you. From when we were fucking kids I've needed you. You were the only person who cared, the only person who would ask what's wrong or if I was okay and I thought of it as too good to be true. I pushed people away...I had no one. It wasn't until I met you that I wanted to keep living. You showed me that people in the world do care and I may have never told you this but...Dallas I've always loved you for that. You were my first love, the first person that could make me smile just by the mention of your name. I didn't know this until you left New York, but once you left, my life and mentality went right back to where it was. I don't even remember my child's father's middle name but I remembered you. I couldn't forget you. You just don't forget your first love."
