Falling (BoyxBoy) (Hiatus)

15. Mathews

Chapter 15

            “Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you.”

                                                                                     ― Veronica Roth                                                           

***Nate's POV***

I have never been one to follow my heart. Hell, most of the time I'm either trying to please someone or trying to make them accept me. I can't say I know how to enjoy myself, much less engage in something that makes me truly happy.

By the age of ten I had learn to fend for the things I need, not the ones I want. I have to admit it wasn't an easy feat. It took me a while to learn that I should not hope to be cared for, or loved. to not depend on others, to not expect anything from anyone. Because I know, I know the moment I start caring, is the moment of sure heartbreak. 

The second a person means more to me than they should, is the very second I'm guaranteed suffering. The is no dough about it, whether it's long in the future, today or the next, something will happen. By that person's own hand, by someone else. It is sure to occur, and when that does happens, it will cause me pain. 

When I was first taken into Madelyn foster homes, I had this friend, I can't really say he was my friend per-say. His name was Mathews, I can't remember his physical features well, but I do remember that he had these eyes that sparkled with curiosity at all time. He could just look at you with those deep hazel orbs of his, and you feel like he knows everything about you. The was so many years in those eyes of his. So many more than he actually was. That could happen when you've been to hell and back at that young of an age.

We never shared more than a 'Hi'. He was just as timid as I was, if not more. I was scared of the new environment, all the new rules I had to follow now, how I had to conduct myself. It was all new to me. And most of all copping with environment. I was almost always noisy. not that I minded, But it was just...new. It was hard for me to adjust. This kid Mathews, although we never talked was like a silent bolder I could lean on. It was the kind of friendship that no words needed to be said. We knew we were friends and we had each other's back, and that was enough for us. We sat together at meal times, then snuck into the old library in the basement, where it was always cold and drafty due to one of the windows being broken. The latch was screwed in a weird angle making it impossible to jerk it down. But we never minded the cold. All we cared about were the books. 

That basement was like heaven for the two of us. there was another library for us kids upstairs, filled with elementary books, but we didn't need those. We already knew how to read and and write, or count to ten or such. Those books contained only trivial information for kids, we had no need to learn those things. But the basement library, witch I had dubbed 'the Fort-hold' was different. It contained all kind of books, mostly classic literature. But also books about anatomy and philosophy, and so much others. It was exiting, snicking down there unnoticed by the sisters. It always baffled me why there was such an amazing place but no one ever goes there. But we did, and we loved it. Mathews always had a bag of chocolates M&M's that he would slide over to me casually and we would share while sitting side by side, reading. I never knew were he got them, and i never asked. But one day, the most unlikely of things happened there was one vanilla M&M"s among the chocolates.

I picked it up and instantly felt the prickling of tears in my eyes. My mother loved vanilla. And vanilla M&M's were her favorites. She always had a bag of it In her bag.

"The kid in me craves them." she would argue every time I told her it was weird for her to always have a bag of candy with her anywhere she went. She would laugh, the wrinkles by her eyes crinkling. A childish mischief in her eyes. I loved when she laughed, she always looked like a child, carefree and happy.