There's Nothing Holding Me Back

.21

its been three weeks since i've been home and me and mac have been talking lately, but for the past two days i haven't heard from him which isn't like him. i laid in my bed with my eyes closed and just thought about everything that's happened so far. my thoughts are interrupted when i hear my door open. my eyes are still closed but i can hear all these footsteps shuffling around. "she's still sleeping, maybe we shouldn't bother her right now." i hear sammy say. "well someone has to tell her. maddy you should." i hear gilinsky say.

"i am awake and somebody needs to tell me whatever needs to be told." i say while sitting up. maddy sits beside me and holds my hand. "you have to go home for a little while longer." she states. i give her a confused look. "this is gonna be hard for me to say but um, your mom called and she told us that two days ago malcolm got into a very bad car accident and no one knew about it until today and he um...." i cut her off. "spit it the fuck out!" i scream. "he passed away this morning." she finishes. i shake my head. "no, no i can call him right now and he will answer." i say while picking my phone up. i dial his number and it rings, and rings, and rings, then his mom answers. "keaton?" she says. "yea?" i respond. "sweetie, mac is gone. he died 20 minutes ago." she states.

i was speechless. i dropped my phone on my bed and just started bawling. "this isn't happening. why?" i say. maddy hugs me really tight. "im so sorry keaton." she says. "everyone please just leave. please!" i scream. i curl up into a ball and just cry. i lost the love of my life and i don't know how to feel. i feel broken, mad, i shouldn't have never left los angeles. i should have been there with him.

its been a couple minutes since i received the news. i just still cant believe it. i decided to post some pictures in memory of him.

@keatonbaby_: my love, words cannot describe how saddened i am by your passing. you taught me what true love was and i cannot thank you enough.💘 my heart is literally broken right now and i wish..i just wish that i stayed in los angeles. im sorry i wasn't there for you. you will forever be in my heart malcolm. i love you so much. "i will continue to love you till my last breath." and you did just that. forever ♾ and always 🌼😭

@username1: im so sorry for your loss
@username2: i hope everything works out. ill keep you in my prayers.

all these comments were coming in and i just couldn't deal with it. i hear a knock on my door and before i could say anything shawn walks in. "hey keaton, how are you doing?" he ask. i just shake my head. "are you gonna go back home for his funeral?" he ask another question. i nod my head. we sit there in silence for a while. "can you come lay with me please?" i finally say. he nods his head and walks over to my bed. he holds me like he used to do when i was sad.  we laid there and he let me cry. he let me get everything out of my system.

we laid there for a couple hours until i finally cried myself to sleep. this has to be one of the worst days of my life. i honestly didn't know what to do. the funeral will be held in two days so im flying back home tomorrow morning. i definitely need my friends there, i can't do this alone.

man, i legit cried writing this part because it still doesn't sit right that mac is gone. but i know hes in a better place right now. next chapter has alot of sexual things so just a heads up! anyways thanks so much for reading 💘