oak trees // misfits

n o t e n o u g h

ship: mcnotorious
matt x jay
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this chapter heavily resolves around anorexia ; if you are sensitive to the topic please skip this chapter

matt messed around with the food on his plate. the misfits decided to have dinner together since they haven't in awhile. on normal days the boys would eat at there own time and scurry off to their rooms.

matt wasn't very keen in the idea of eating. he believed he was getting 'to fat' and therefore forced himself into a toxic way of thinking.

"why are you not eating matt?" toby asked from besides him. concern clearly laced into his voice.

"not hungry, i'll eat later."

matt got up and took his plate into the kitchen. emptying his still full plate into the trash and setting the dish into the sink.

the american was hungry, but he calculated the calories of the meal beforehand and decided it was to much.

matt locked himself in his room. sighing and throwing himself onto the bed. his stomach growled loudly, and matt frowned.

he didn't like the feeling of not eating but he hated the feeling of eating even more.

a knock sounded at matt's door and the boy cringed. he didn't feel like dealing with with anyone right now. he opened the door anyways, not wanting to be a dickhead and just ignore it.

"hey matt," someone spoke, sweetly might i add.

matt smiled, "hey jay."

the american stepped aside and let the other into his room. jay looked around, he hasn't been in matt's room since they moved in. it was simple, but cute. it seemed very matt.

jay sat on matt's bed. he patted the spot next to him and matt took a seat besides him.

"so i noticed you haven't been eating a lot.." the sentence alone made matt freeze up. if jay has noticed have the others noticed too? what do they think of him? nobody wants a friend like that, at least that's what matt thought.

"i- uh. oh"

jay sighed and stared at the ground. "do you not think you're good enough matt? cause you are. you aren't fat either. i promise you that."

matt seemed panicky. the room felt hot and he messed with his jacket sleeve a lot.

the american stayed silent.

"hey, please talk to me? what's going on inside that head of yours, matt?" jay cooed, grabbing the others hand and softly rubbing his knuckles.

"i-" matt struggled to get anything out. how would he explain this? that his own brain is tricking him. to 'normal' people he sounded like a mad man.

"love, pretend im not here okay? just imagine you're saying this to yourself. i wont judge you i promise. explain it in a way you know hun."

matt nodded, his throat felt like it was closing up but he pushed words out anyways.

"it's like my brain put my body on 'do not disturb'. i can't feel the signs that im starving anymore. my brain put me against myself, see how far i can push myself. i-it's like im trapped. it makes me feel like im trapped in a jail cell. even if im holding the key it puts a blindfold over me and tells me its not there. every time i eat food i can taste the calories. whenever i see food i can see the numbers. im gaining weight i know it. every time i eat it convinces me that it will go straight to my body."

matt took a deep breath, his cheeks were already stained with tears. "im probably not making any sense.." he mumbled and pulled his hand out of jay's grip

jay frowned, "no i understands what you're saying. matt, you are far from fat. you've lost so much weight i can see you're collarbones sticking out. i know every time you look in the mirror all you see us fat but everyone else says otherwise. you've judged yourself to hard matt, you're perfect."

matt shook his head, jay was lying to him. he had to be, to make him feel better.

"im not lying to you if that's what you think, i would never lie to you matt." jay whispered, grabbing matt's hand again and wrapping it with his own.

"how about this, i want you to try to eat but just little bits at a time. and when you get comfortable with that we can add just a little more okay? soon enough you'll be better again!"

matt processed what jay had said. matt did want to get better, but it seemed like a lot of work.

a couple minutes later and matt finally agreed. he needed to get better, for everyone else and himself.

jay let out a squeak, "holy shit i didn't think that would work!" matt chuckled.

"hey matt?" jay squeezed the american's hand.

"hmm?" was all matt said and looking up at jay.

"can i, can i kiss you?" jay's eyes flickered from matt's eyes to his lips and then back to his eyes again.

matt nodded, smiling.

when the two connected together, matt felt happiness and motivation spark through him. the kiss made the american's hunger disappear for a few seconds.

he was so thankful for jay

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the chapter was laced with personal experiences, therefore some information maybe be different for others. stay safe loves <3