oak trees // misfits

k i l l e r

ship: uh uh uh

fitz x smii7y but also kryoz x smii7y

prompt: i just went with what my mind came up with

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(TW ; this chapter contains the following, depression, anxiety, bulimia, and suicide. if you are sensitive to any of those topics please read with caution)

guilt is such a killer.

the moment jaren's mother had broke the horrible news to him, he felt his happiness being stripped of him.

john had commited suicide.

of course at first the poor canadian didn't believe it. john looked so happy, he seemed so happy. but i guess you cant judge a book by its cover.

at first all of jaren's emotions seemed to disappear into thing air, but after a couple of minutes everything came crashing down and the boy broke down. he felt too much in that moment, now he gets what people mean when they say suicide just passes the pain to someone else.

for the next couple of weeks jaren didn't leave the house, he didn't record, he wasn't active on anything. no one could blame him, his best friend just killed himself without explanation.

the fragile boy was wrapped around himself in a corner, rocking back and forth while whispering to himself to just breath.

it was so hard to breath, the walls seemed like they were out to get jaren. it didn't help that he hadn't been eating, he threw up awhile ago and all that came out was bile.

"jaren?" the voice seemed hazy but was definitely familiar to the canadian.

a blurry figure helped the boy off the ground and satchim on the bed, where he stared blankly at the ground.

"smiity look at me." the youtube nickname made his head snap. it seemed like so long since he's upload.

cameron stared at him with worried eyes, holding his hand and rubbing his knuckles.

"the police found john's suicide note, they mailed it to m and i'd though i would give it too you. he seems to mention you a hell of a lot." cameron chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.

jaren's hands shook as he took the note from cameron's hand.

jaren, hi.

this whole thing is going to be really fucking clique so have fun.

im sorry i hid it from you, the depression and other mental things wrong with me. you see smit, i was also bulimic. and i couldn't stand my own mind anymore. it was riping me apart.

i am so sorry i had to do this too you, i know it is very selfish but i just couldn't suffer any longer.

i love you smii7y, more then a friend should. i was so in love with you i could't get you out of my mind. im was always a sucker for the cute boys.

live on for me would you? dont do what i did, you have talent. you can do things and succeed. dont be a low life push over like me over here.

theres so much more i want to say but the tears in my eyes might smudge the writing so i have to stop it here.

i love you,

john

jaren sighed, closing his eyes tightly as more tears fell. cameron rubbed his back sympathetically.

"i know it hurts jaren but we'll get through this together okay? it sucks for all of us too."

he nodded. he needed to stop making it about him, everyone lost him too.

"i'm never going to say i love you to him cam..i'll never see him again. i'll never hear his laugh or see his smile. or his sassy eye rolls. i'm going to miss him so much." jaren dropped the paper onto the ground and let his head fall into his hands.

sobs racked his body, cameron just pulled him closer and whispered things into his ear.

-

when jaren woke up he noticed his face was dry and weird from crying so much last night. he also noticed that he was curled against another human.

"good morning," cameron's morning voice showed through. jaren just hummed in reply.

he closed his eyes again, enjoying the warmth.

cameron kissed the canadian's forhead and let him fall back to sleep. jaren needed it, after the restless nights filled with crying. he was definitely stripped of his energy.

-

"hey john, its been a few years. im sorry i haven't visited much. i've been busy. i miss you a lot still, we all miss you a whole ton. im doing a lot better, i met someone who i love very much. still not as much as i loved you but its pretty damn close. i cant wait to see you again, hopefully not soon but im still excited when it happens. i love you, i'll try and come by next week."

jaren looked over at his now husband, smiling and taking his hand.

"we can go now, cam."

cameron hummed, facing john's grave and waving.

"we'll come back next week john. bye buddy."

they walked away hand in hand, smiling as memories of their best friend filled their heads.

hearing john's name still brought sadness to everyone, but it also brought smiles. they thought of the time when he was alive.

john will always be missed, but no one could miss him more then jaren.

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a/n: i hope you guys like the new cover :)