In the Loving Arms of Servitude

34. Catastrophe

                             
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It is Monday morning, but Amara is not going to work today. Uju is not going to school either. She was eventually able to contact Mr. Akintola on Friday last week, after finding the phone he gave to her. And he gave her an indefinite leave from school, to fully sort out her family issues.
At the moment, Uju is still lying on her bed, staring at the rotating ceiling fan as usual. One funny thing about this ceiling fan is that the regulator switch has a somewhat paradoxical effect on its speed of rotation, and Uju simply cannot fathom why. The regulator has three levels; one, two and three. But for some reason, level-one has the highest speed. Whereas, switching to level-two decreases it. And then level-three, which is supposed to have the highest speed happens to have the lowest speed. Maybe it's a factory error. Or it could be that the electrician just installed it wrongly. Nonetheless, Uju always leaves it at level-three, where it can rotate slowly. She just loves to watch those blades move while at the same time picturing them tightly screwed to the motor inside, and rotating with very precise harmony. She really loves machines. And boy does she love physics! That is why she picked mechanical engineering as her first choice during her JAMB examination. She still cannot believe that she scored up to two hundred and sixty eight (268) points in the exam. That's quite a score for an 'S.S. 2' student. She starts to believe that perhaps she can actually fulfill her dream of becoming an engineer after all. At the thought, she lets out a radiant smile. It's amazing how despite her stark awareness of the uncertainties of her present, she can still manage to draw happiness from the thought of an envisioned future, which apparently, she seems to think about quite a lot when she is alone.

Aside from Uju's love for math and engineering, she also seems to be very good at biological sciences and many social science subjects, and is interested in becoming a human rights activist; a feminist, most especially. She has heard a lot on television about feminism and would really love to join in the fight for women's rights. 'But would it be possible to be an engineer and a feminist at the same time?' Uju wonders. She is not very sure. 'Or wait… Is feminism even a profession?' Upon hearing her thoughts, she almost laughs at herself. Somehow, she can tell that she isn't very enlightened about the topic. But if it can help prevent what happened to her from happening to other girls, then she would love to be a part of it in any way she can.
But then again, even if she were to succeed in becoming an engineer and a feminist, she can't help but wonder whether it would be possible to accomplish some of the other things she wants to do in her life; some of the things she sees in movies and on Tv. Her resources are so limited. She would also like to be a teacher or a philosopher of some kind, if they still exist. And ever since she was little, she has secretly desired to be a singer, but has never told anyone. At the moment, she does not even believe it possible in the slightest way, despite the fact that she has quite an angelic voice. 'But a musician? Really?'
"There's no way that will happen for me." she mutters, while slowly bursting into laughter. Then she starts to mock herself playfully within her mind, 'What on earth am I thinking?... #LAUGHS... that a wretched girl like me could become like Beyonce... or Rihanna!... Get a hold of yourself, girl!' she tells herself before laughing again. Nonetheless, she still cannot help but imagine what it would be like performing on stage; expressing her heart and soul through music. At least, in her thoughts, she can be whoever she wants to be. Maybe just that is enough. It will have to be for now anyways. Then she sighs after coming back to reality.

Afterwards, she rolls to the other end of her bed and starts to think about Bayo, her friend. She knows him all too well. He would be extremely worried about her right now. He acts like a tough guy most of the time, but deep down, he is a big softie. Truth be told, Uju has actually noticed that Bayo has feelings for her like James said. And in many ways, she also cares for him. But she is not completely sure whether she feels the same way. She is still trying to observe her emotional trends, in order to determine whether what she feels is significant enough to conclude or to act on. And the last thing she wants to do is lead him on. Then again, after what Femi did to her, even if she were, she isn't sure whether she ever wants to be in a romantic relationship with any man. The thought of it is simply unbearable.