Obscurity

Chapter 36: Tiptoe

Sierra

Back in my room, I grab my notebook from the side table near my bed and traipse over to the writing table near the wall. I take a seat and set about recording my thoughts in my notebook.

The session with Dr. Fry today brought about an important thought. The thought that Chris may have orchestrated my little episode where I went off on him in the group session by switching out my meds or even possibly not giving me all of them.

I write down that I need to remember to check my meds each time I take them now. I'm pretty certain my theory is correct about Chris and my medication. It's like he elicited that response from me that day. It feels choreographed.

I shake my head at the thought that he's toying with me. That's my job. I toy with everyone else. I'm irritated that he may have gotten one over on me. I'll have to figure out a way to settle the score.

I flip the page in my notebook and begin to doodle random curly marks with decorative dots. I clear my mind and let my pencil dance.

It isn't long before I've filled the entire page and begin to be bored with the scribbles. I close my book and replace it in the side table near my bed underneath a couple of months old magazines. There isn't much written in the old notebook, but I'd prefer someone snooping to not be able to find it. Privacy and such.

The sunlight shining in through the window in my room draws me attention there. I walk over to the window and stand there looking out onto the neighborhood below. The spring is fading into summer, and I yearn to feel the warm breeze on my face.

I'll bet if I keep up my progress and improvement, I can possibly get a release before the end of summer. I silently vow to do my best to be confrontation-free. I miss being out in the real world. By my last count, I've been here three-hundred and ninety-four, no, ninety-five days. I'm over this place.

I know I have nowhere to go once I'm out of here but I'll figure something out. I always do. I'll miss the meals each day, even if they are tasteless and the bare essentials nutrient-wise. I'll figure out everything once I walk out of those front doors upon my release.

My brain processes the many ideas rapidly. I always find a way. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to try to call home again. This time I won't be such an ass to my mom and she might let me stay with her. I sigh at the thought and then retract the previous thought with a scoff.

That won't work. I can't stand that woman. It doesn't matter, though. I will find a way to make it. I won't sit here and accept my fate as being a lifer here on this unit. I'm going to do my best to be compliant, and I'm getting out of here.

"Sierra." Cindy says from my doorway breaking my stare out the window.

"Time for meds." She motions for me to follow her.

I trot along with her to the nurses station and wait by the observation desk as she collects my cup of medication. She walks over to where I'm standing and I reach for the cup.

"We're doing this differently today, Sierra." She says. "Give me your hand."

I reach my hand out with my palm up and she pours the contents of the cup into it. I look at her wondering where she's going with this.

"This one here," She points to the smallest white pill, "is for your anxiety. It's the half milligram dose as prescribed. Go ahead and take that one."

I do as she says and I throw back the smallest white pill and await her further instructions.

"The peach one there," She points to the oval pill, "That's your antidepressant, a hundred milligrams, that Dr. Fry prescribed." She nods her head as a signal I can take that pill now.

I take it.

"This one here," she points to the square blue pill, "That's your mood stabilizer. It's seventy-five milligrams, as prescribed." She nods, and I take that pill next.

"The white larger one here, it's the anti-psychotic medication prescribed to you in the one-hundred and seventy-five milligram dosage." I hurry and take that one.

"And last but not least, is the circular yellow pill here, it's the secondary antidepressant prescribed to you in the fifty-milligram dosage Dr. Fry specified." I throw the last pill back and drain the water she handed me.

"Thanks."

"I trust you understand why I went through all your medications with you?" Cindy smiles.

"I do. And I appreciate it." I thank her again and head back for my room.

When I turn to go to my room, I survey the day room to see who's all sitting in there. The eating disorder table is going strong. All the typical attendees are sitting around laughing it up. Jim is sitting off by himself. Odd, usually Abigail is attached at his hip. They have their own geriatric click.

I shrug off Abigail's absence and make my way back to my room. There's nobody in the day room I care to talk to or sit with, so it's for the better.

I go back to my window and resume my stare out onto the neighborhood. I look at all the houses. The different colored roofs are interesting. I hadn't realized or ever noticed the differences in colors before. Maybe when I get older and buy a house, I can get my roofing shingles in a special color. Maybe I'll pick green. Who knows?

I watch the cars go up and down the streets that thread through the neighborhood and imagine myself driving a car through the very same streets. My car would be a convertible. My hair would be blowing in the breeze as I twisted and turned through the neighborhood without a care in the world.

My day dream is interrupted by hushed voices having a heated debate outside my bedroom door. I can't tell if they're in the hallway or another room but they don't sound like they're having a pleasant conversation. At least one of the voices, I can't quite make out what they're saying, is pissed off.

I tiptoe over to the doorway and peak around the corner in the direction the sounds are coming from. To my surprise, I don't see anyone. Oh, come on. I think to myself. I've never heard voices before, this shit better not start now.

The muffled low debate rages on a doorway over and inside one of the male bedrooms. Female rooms are on one side of the hallway, and the male rooms are on the opposite side. We aren't supposed to be in their rooms, and they aren't to enter ours. It's the facility's half-assed attempt at keeping the sexes apart. Like a hallway would be a huge barrier to overcome if someone were inclined to break the rules. I roll my eyes at the thought.

I creep around the corner of my doorway and tiptoe across the hall and listen to see if the voices continue and they do. I peek around the door jamb of the male's room and see Alma. Her back is to me, and she's waving her arms as she hisses at the new guy. She's definitely arguing with him. He's standing there with his arms crossed and a smirk on his face.

He glances up and his eyes meet mine. So much for me being sneaky. He saw me! I turn around and quickly bolt for my room and slam the door behind me.