Obscurity

Chapter 59: Not Tonight

Alma

The food lady collects my tray with the half eaten food on it. I sit back in my chair and sneak a glance over toward Spencer. I'm still pissed off he wouldn't tell me about his cell phone. At least, I think it's a cell phone. I know I heard it.

He's oblivious to my staring, so I keep on doing it. Spencer is sitting there looking into the nurses station like he always does. At his table, Nick is scanning through a magazine he scooped up off the neighboring table. Spencer doesn't look like he fits in here. He has this way about him, the way he sits or carries himself, that screams confidence. It's nothing at all like how I imagine I look being and sitting here. He's so different.

"So, he wouldn't talk?" Sierra's voice pulls my attention away from Spencer.

I shake my head. Staring at my own hands now, I pick at my cuticles. The question is harmless in itself, but it brings back emotions I'd rather not be flooded with right now. I still can't believe how cold he was. I shake my head to rid myself of the memories.

Sierra shrugs, "Oh well. Maybe you were mistaken about that sound anyway." She offers.

"No. I wasn't." I respond, still staring at my hands.

"Hey everyone!" Stacy's normal over-the-top energetic voice carries into the day room. "Group time! Who's ready?" Her beaming smile contagious.

Sierra shoots me a look and raise my eyebrows.

"Ready?" She says.

I shake my head. "Nope. I'm not going tonight." I say confidently.

"Aw, why not?"

"I'm too tired. I don't even care how it looks, either. I'm going to bed." I say as I get up from my chair.

Sierra stands up too. "Well, maybe I won't go either."

"You need to go. I won't be much company since I plan to be sleeping. You'll be bored to pieces." I say, rounding the table toward the hallway.

"Oh, come on, Alma. Let's go to Group together?" She pleads.

"Not tonight, Sierra." I say as I hug her.

She returns my hug, but hangs onto me a little longer than I expected. I pull back and smile at her.

"I'll see you in a little while." I say as I make my way for the East Hall.

She nods as she files into the hall toward the West Hall.

As I pass the nurses station, someone calls my name. I turn to see Chris standing there.

"What?" I say, not ready for any confrontation. I'm wholeheartedly set on getting into my bed and falling asleep until tomorrow.

"Where are you going?" He seemingly snickers.

"I'm too tired for Group tonight."

"Sure."

"Sure?"

"Yeah. Sure." He plays it off as if he's not challenging my excuse.

I turn and continue down the hallway towards my room.

"I'll mark it in your chart that you're skipping out on Group tonight." He calls after me.

"You go ahead and do that, Chris. Have a good night." I say back to him over my shoulder.

He sounds like he huffs before walking back into the nurses station.

I don't turn around. I continue on into my room.I flip off the lights in the room, and I climb into my bed, not even bothering to brush my teeth. I burrow down into my covers and put my pillow over my face. Total darkness.

Laying there in the dark, I replay the day's events in my mind. I'm not crazy. Spencer is hiding something. What? I'm not entirely sure, but it's aggravating thinking about it. We used to be so close, after all hell broke loose a few years back, it all changed.

My mind swiftly switches from thinking about his current deception to thinking about the day Spencer and I turned from "us" to nothing.

Thoughts race through my mind about how if Spencer hadn't been late coming home that day, we'd still be fine.

If I'd have mentioned what I didn't over the phone, we'd be fine.

Had Court darkened someone else's doorstep that night; we'd still be fine.

I could kick myself for not explaining things properly. I've beat myself up over the whole incident more times than I could count.

If I'd have done things differently, Spencer and I would be fine.

If he'd have believed me back then, we'd be fine.

I certainly wouldn't be here, where I am right now. We'd probably have a house somewhere outside the city. Life would be entirely different for us.

Thinking about it all brings tears to my eyes. I fight the urge to cry. I haven't cried over our split in years. Why does this have to surface now? Oh, I know. Because he's treating me like some stranger off the street when I want to know what he's up to. I'm not thinking he should continue our closeness because of our history but he shouldn't treat me like he doesn't know me.

He admitted he should have believed me. He knows I wasn't lying. Yet, he treats me like this still. After everything.

I wipe my eyes with my blanket and try to even my breathing. I can't fall apart over this. What good would it do?

As I try to stave the flood of tears, my mind whirls back to that night. Assessing all of the errors that I made that night, and all of Spencer's, has done nothing but drudge up old memories.

My brain forces it, and my mind replays the events of that fateful day...