unknown number (Ace x-reader)

the blame

Is there something you blame yourself for, but know it was out of your control?
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  Sabo walks down the halls of the hospital. Emotions swirling inside him like a tsunami. So many that he doesn't know which one to express first. They're just a mess, a big whirling disaster. A mixture of so many feelings, fighting amongst each other.
  He approaches the door and raises his hand balled into a fist, to knock. A voice behind the door causing him to halt his actions, "I don't know what to do without you."
  A broken voice. A voice so filled with hurt that it causes Sabo's heart to ache. He lets out a sigh, maybe he shouldn't have come today. He pushes that thought aside, he has every right to be here.
  He opens the door, without knocking, and he doesn't make it all the way in the door before Luffy's eyes are on him. He lets go of Ace's hand and backs away, sitting down on a chair, tears still in his eyes. The younger male looks away, ashamed, he promised to stop crying.
  The blond lets out a breath, relieved to see that even through all of this he hasn't changed. He closes the door behind him, walking to the chair beside Luffy, sitting down before pulling the smaller male into his arms, "You're still such a crybaby... honestly... who's gonna take care of you?"
  "I-I'm sorry..." Luffy wraps his arms around Sabo, craving the contact. "I-I just feel so useless. You guys were always the stronger ones... and I... I... I'm not. I'm just a burden... I don't even know what happened to him... no one does. I'm a horrible friend. I'm a horrible brother and I-"
  "You're a better man than I am," Sabo places his hand on the back of Luffy's head as he rests his chin on the top. His eyes close, he's never forgave himself for missing all the signs Ace gave him. He was so caught up in his own life, that he didn't stop to consider what Luffy meant when he said that something was happening in his life. "You never stopped caring about him."
  "What do you mean?" his voice comes out muffled due to his face being pressed against Sabo's neck. "You never stopped either."
  "No, I did stop. I put myself above Ace. I neglected reaching out to you both because I was so focused on my own life," he pulls back, looking into his eyes. "I just never stopped loving both of you. I've learned my lesson. I learned it the day you told me he was in the hospital all those years ago..."
  Luffy tilts his head, but drops it. He thinks he understands what he means by that. Sabo closes his eyes again, thinking about all the times Luffy told him that he needed to talk to Ace, because he could tell something was bothering him. But he didn't listen. He told Luffy over and over again that if he had wanted to talk about it, he's contact them and tell them. But he was so wrong.
  He had learned that hard way that Ace is stubborn, all over again. And that he was set in his way of not asking for help. Of insisting that he can do it on his own. Of being all alone. Just like he was before Sabo came along. Before he gained his brothers.
  Lost in the sea. Drowning into the unknown depths of his terrifying thoughts. The thoughts that told him that the world would've been better without him in it. The thoughts that told him he was a mistake and that no one would miss him once he's gone.
  Lost in the world where there isn't anyone but himself. With nothing but regret. Nothing but the emptiness he thought he deserved. With nothing left to live for.
  And Sabo neglected him. Neglected both of his brothers. Brushed them off as if they didn't have their own problems to deal with. Made his seems like the only ones in the world. He made himself more important than the ones who needed his help.
  Due to this, he lost Koala. She told him until he got over himself to not talk to her, to not see her. He holds Luffy tighter. He's the only one who hasn't gotten mad at him. Besides Ace. Ace had only blamed himself for what happened.
  But Luffy, he didn't blame anyone, "It's fate." He had said. Yet, Sabo knew he blamed himself. Each of the brothers did. They couldn't bare blaming each other, so they did the next best thing. The each put the blame on themselves. It's better than losing each other due to the blame.
  But they all should blame Sabo. He wouldn't care if they did. Because he didn't worry enough. He's always the last to know... because he's the last to care. He knows this. It's his punishment for being so ignorant for so long.
  His throat feels as if it's closing up, so he pulls Luffy closer into his embrace. Why is it always Ace? Why couldn't it have been him? He deserves it. Ace doesn't. It just doesn't make sense.
  He might not have been there for them when they needed him the most, but he knows what Ace would say if he saw them as they are right now. So he lets his tears out. What he doesn't see, can't hurt him.
  He would say, "Why do you two look like two brothers who are in mourning over a dead person? I'm not dead yet. You couldn't kill me off even if you wanted to."

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