Behind The Mask

Chapter 3

Okay... Maybe E.J. was right. Maybe he should be the one drinking lots of coffee, because I am struggling my ass off to stay awake on this bus and the scenery isn't nearly what I thought it would be. I hate flying, but all of a sudden I am thinking that maybe I should have opted for a plane ticket, rather than a thirteen hour drive all the way to New York, and who knows how slow this bus is actually going and how many stops it will eventually make. We have only been on it for two hours and I am moody and tired, and they have stopped twice already, wasting a massive half an hour of the trip.

"You've barely spoken to me since we got onto the bus," I hear E.J. complain.

That's not entirely true, but he has been probing quite a bit and I have been trying my best to avoid any questions that could be too serious. Like why the fuck we are actually on this trip to nowhere.

I sigh.

"E.J... Please... If we're gonna talk, I need to lay down some rules." I look at his puzzled face, knowing full well how my words must sound to him. "Look... We can talk. About anything. Just not why we are on this trip or where we are going. The one I can't answer you in any case since I don't have the faintest idea where we are going. As for the 'why' that you want... Let's just put it like this; I would just like to live once before I die."

E.J. looks at me a while before he answers.

"You don't have cancer or something like that? You're not gonna die on me?"

"God no!" I say a bit too loud, making the elderly lady in front of me look over her seat with a frown before she turns her head back to the front.

"Good. Because this is starting to sound like a badly written John Green novel," E.J. says. "And I am not a fan of the epic, sad, tragic books. I've already had enough of that for one lifetime."

And just like that I regret ever bringing E.J. on this trip, because I know that this is one of those trips. One of those that will turn out sad and tragic. But if all goes according to plan, E.J. will long be off this little tour of mine before I get to number ten on my list. He will not be there when I finally end it all. That will be my moment. My moment alone.

"I don't like to read, so I don't get your references," I say just because it is something to say, but I do get his reference because everyone has seen the movie.

"Yeah well... So if those subjects are off the table then why did you invite me along?" he asks.

I look at E.J. He has changed so much since we were in the hospital together. I would have never taken him for someone that would dress all punk rock, but somehow he has pulled of the torn baggy jeans and the oversized t-shirts nicely. It actually suits him down to the dog collar he wears around his neck. Even his hair looks good, even though he has a bit of an Adam Lambert hairstyle going on which seems to not completely suit his outfit but completely suits him. I could almost see what Chris might be seeing in him.

"You changed a lot," I say without actually answering his question, because it's another question I can't answer because I don't know why I asked him to come with me. I just know that something inside me needed him here with me on this trip.

"I needed to," he answers reaching down to his bag and taking his phone out. He checks it and puts it in his jeans pocket.

"We both changed since the day we met," I answer. I don't want to tell him how much I have changed though. I don't think E.J. would like to hear the story about how I'm not exactly the best candidate for plastic surgery, and more than that, that the money that my mom left me wouldn't be nearly enough to cover the costs if I could get a better doctor to actually do the surgery. I can't tell him that I changed from being one of the most positive people on the planet to someone who hates myself every second more that I am on this earth. That I want to die and get it over with.