Behind The Mask

Chapter 23

It was like the cold somehow reached into the RV with every single mile that we drove up North. Sure, I knew we were heading closer to the North Pole than what I had ever been, and yet I wasn't exactly craning my neck to see reindeer prancing in the snow, or Santa Claus returning, exhausted from his one-day-a-year job; because let's face it: he is lazy as shit. For 364 days he probably sits on his ass in front of the fireplace and make the elves do all the work, and then for working one night per year he takes all the glory, which is just another perfect example of how the world works.

I feel like I have bared myself to E.J. so many times over, and there we were, in the back of the RV, his face so close to mine that I could see the two tiniest freckles on his nose that I had never even noticed until today, and then he said it first... He said what I had tried to tell him and make him believe that I truly do feel for what feels like fucking forever, just to have him say it first, making Cameron "Ahh" with tears in his eyes, breaking the moment and stealing away what could have been a kiss. And then... To top it all off, E.J. moved back to the front seat next to Cameron and started blabbering about Chris of all people!

I wanted the moment when we actually confessed our love to be perfect, and in my mind I want to delete the memory and make a new one. Even though this one was sweet, it has a tinge of bitterness that I just cannot get rid off.

"How far is it still!?" I try to scream louder than Britney Spears telling me to work if I want a Mazerati.

"Huh!?" Cameron shouts back at me, making E.J. turn around and smile at me as well.

"I said, how far until the next stop?!" I shout again.

"Not far! Another two or three hours, depending on traffic!" Cameron shouts back before he gets his eyes back on the road again where they belong, making E.J. also turn around, probably to change the song once more now that he has belted out the chorus at the top of his lungs yet again.

"I'm gonna fucking die back here," I mumble, pulling my hoodie tighter against my body, huddling up on what I guess must be where Cameron sleeps.

I might have been able to sleep, but with all the noise that wasn't even a possibility. I tried to drown their noise out with some old fashioned headphones and Spotify, but not even Alesana could manage to drown out the pop music coming from the front, which is a music genre I never identified with E.J., making me realize that maybe I still don't know him at all.

For what seemed like the first time in days I pulled my phone out of my backpack and switched it on, hoping with everything in me that the battery hadn't died. Sure, I had the cheap little phone with the new number I bought when I knew I was running away, but somehow not turning on my old phone with all the social media on it meant freedom for me. Freedom from the past, looming photos of my mom in my gallery, and most of all, the social media sites where I used to once post perfect pictures of myself; something I had not done since the acid hit my face.

It took seconds for the phone to come alive in my hand, and only another more seconds for notification after notification to come through. As I swiped one after the other to the right, clearing the home screen I just held it for a second. If this device could speak it would have said so many things. Sure, it wasn't exactly new, but because of some odd reason I have never felt the need to replace it. Maybe it was because it was the one thing that wasn't engulfed by flames when I lost everything that I ever held dear in my life. Maybe it was the one place I could escape to when my mom died.

I flick through the apps quickly, finding the one I am looking for and entering it. And there, between the many song lyrics I used to sing at the top of my lungs were the many entries I made late at night, laying in yet another strange bed and wishing that my mom was still alive.