call me again → cmbyn ✔

18-close, close, closer

← ✰oliver✰ →

can you die from withholding information? sometimes it feels so, my heart wants me to admit all it is keeping captive but, i don't know if letting go of my thoughts is the right choice.

i have to tell him, i have to tell him that last summer meant more to me than he could ever imagine. i've done my waiting, i've done my hurting, ive almost abandoned my family, holding onto that tiny string of hope that he could forgive me.

i cant keep denying how i feel towards the curly haired boy, with the adorable lop-sided grin and the bright eyes he won't let you keep in contact with.

i let my mind lift me from my bed sheets and out of my window onto our shared balcony, bringing a loose cigarette with me. my watch said a few minutes to midnight when i checked as i departed from the safety of the room.

i spotted him before i had time to climb back, there was a mutual feeling in the air. neither one of us wanting to say what the other was secretly dying to confess.

i shuffled closer to him on the hot grey stone, he joined me. he had a cigarette in his mouth, i put mine in my mouth and looked towards him. he brought his lighter to my lips and flicked it, as he lit my mouth, he seemed to lighten my eyes from there dark state. he made everyone clearer, easier to see.

i remember the object in my mouth and hold it with one hand, softly holding his face in my other hand. i traced his godly, defined features, the burning ash threatening to cause damage to him. he held his hands firmly against my chest so i couldn't reach my goal at the bottom centre of the masterpiece that is his face.

"i cant oliver, not while i'm with him. i know how it feels unfortunately and i would never wish the same upon someone else." my heart took the blow, it was like he'd ripped a knife from himself and had just enough strength to jab it back at me.

"i love him, for some of us that's enough" i lied, he had enough energy to stab me another time. we stood there in silence, me mulling over the idea of confessing my feelings; however with each passing minute the likelihood became lesser and lesser.

we must've been out there for half an hour, watching the trees and garden. i watched the sky for a while, muttering some unhelpful facts. elio humming as if he already knew, he definitely already knew.

but the time came for the student to become the master, he nodded me goodnight and slipped back through his window uttering a plain and to the point 'later'.

i now know how it feels to be dismissed by someone you love. even throughout that whole discussion, the factor of my love for the other male never became a subject like i had hoped. i wished by god i'd have the courage, not tonight.

it's easier said than done to tell the person you love, how even when they smile it can make your day, just the way they talk about things they're passionate about; the way they know you better than they know themselves.

when i see him with elijah, i don't hide my despair; he knows how i feel and i'm almost certain elijah does too.

these thoughts travel through my mind as i drift off to sleep, thoughts of holding him, being with him again, being him again. they flood my mind like water seeping through the cracks of stone. i cant stay away, i cant go home.

little did i know the boy sleeping just beyond my wall, had the same excitements and doubts as me. he was just better at guarding himself and his battered heart the second time around.

he took his dad's advice

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