call me again → cmbyn ✔

20-as you wish

← ✰elio✰ →

two days. i have two days to figure out what i want to do. what i need to do.

i almost think he's over our romance, he doesn't even look twice when i enter a room. when he used to try so hard to get my attention.

he's also been leaving the house more frequently, he only comes back when he has to help my father with his work, which my father has also been requesting more and more infrequently.

i have to make it look as if im uninterested, leaving me with the option of every now and again slipping in a simple 'where's oliver today' and chuckling at whatever ludicrous answer my father could come up with.

i think in my heart i knew it would always end this way. no closure, so the feelings could stir for eternity, only to be stopped by the occasional thought of 'i wonder what he's thinking right now, is he thinking of me?' and the answer will always return with a mocking, 'of course not, why would he?'

elijah hasn't come round a lot as of late, it hasn't been the same for some time. we are still together, at least i think we're still together, but at times it feels as if he is merely a long lost, close friend of mine.

we had early dinner tonight, it's coming to the end of summer and so the sky darkens quicker, shortening the days. my balcony door was left open, my assumption, by mafalda, the cool breeze was begging for my presence, i accept the sweet offer.

the sky does look perfect from here, maybe i could write another journal entree about how the planets have been working against me this past month.

not that horoscopes ever really spark any interest for me, the gods also seem a petty tale, although their art is something not even my father would dare to argue against.

my feet pad along the floor of my room and out of my swinging window, i remember months before this balcony would shake my stomach at the thought of what could be awaiting me on the other side of it.

the floor's still warm from the earlier hours in the day, the black tarmac absorbing the suns rays and leaving us with heat under our toes.

i leant myself against the balcony and watched as the leaves swayed sensually under the light breeze. even from so far away you could hear the water lapping against the rocks on the beach.

i heard the balcony door click and glanced behind me, his figure came into view. he leant next to me on the balcony, a cigarette hanging from his lips. his hair was the messiest i'd ever seen it, sticking up all over the place. he smelt heavily of alcohol and cigarette smoke.

"long night?" i asked him, keeping my eyes on the trees.

"it's the atmosphere elio, i don't belong in italy, the only reason i'm here is for you but it's clear that we're going in circles" his words sounded clumsy but rehearsed. he was intoxicated, but still knew what he was saying.

"then why aren't you at home?" i asked him, i glanced down at the garden beneath me. the little animals didn't have to worry about heartbreak. or did they? what if every ant and mosquito had a love story the same as oliver and mine. it's strangely comforting to think about.

"i am leaving" he spoke back, i could see in my peripheral vision that he was looking at me. however i refused to look back, i won't let him win.

"when?" i asked, my body had become more rigid at the news. how long did i have left? what if my time was even shorter than i thought, he could leave tonight.

is it better to speak or to die?

"tuesday" i felt my muscles loosen at the news, thankfully it happened to be the day after i leave.

not that it would've made much difference if he did leave tonight. neither of us care enough, let alone will try to fix what's been broken between us.

i felt his presence before i looked, he was a few paces closer to me. "what are you doing?" my question was cut off swiftly by the softness of his lips.

i leaned in, not wanting to pull away, needing to stay this way long enough to savour the sacred taste. i'd been deprived of this feeling for too long, i'd been longing for the feel of the man since that dreadful day in nineteen-eighty-three when he stepped out of the taxi and treated me like staff. but i knew, i always knew that it was you oliver.

of course we had shared our love for each other before, but when you can't have something, it's only human nature to want it more.

he held my hips loosely, i ran my hands in his hair, smoothing out the sections that stuck out. i pulled away first, secretly cursing myself for doing so.

those few seconds were enough to fill the void that had been growing inside of me over these past few months.

"i'm sorry, this must be very unhelpful" he mumbled into my hair as we embraced, this time he pulled away first.

"joint effort" i joked in response, a small smile appeared on both of our faces. his thumb drew circles on my back as we stayed pressed together, neither one of us wanting to lose the closeness.

"you know elio, the reason i was so distant with you at the airport was because of your father" he said in a hushed tone, just loud enough for me to hear.

"what did he do?" i frowned and pulled my head away from his shoulder to watch his eyes.

"he told me to stay away from you, because at the time i was engaged" he explained to me, this was a shock. i always thought my father left things in my hands, so i could control my life.

"it was only to stop you from getting hurt, to protect you" he added, not that these words would change much.

"yeah, well thank you for telling me" i removed myself from his grip and sent a smile his way, which he graciously returned.

and the night was over, the seconds of bliss would unknowingly stay with me until our future encounters. what neither of us knew was that, that would be our last kiss for a generation.

the blush on my cheeks was still prominent as i lay on top of my bed sheets, the sweat had created a layer on my neck and sleeping didn't feel like a good enough option.

better to be stuck with good thoughts than bad dreams, but my dreams would soon be full of british accents followed by american.

foreigners are my life now, aha i make myself chuckle.

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