call me again → cmbyn ✔

19-decide for me

← ✰elio✰ →

i woke up this morning with last night weighing heavy on my chest. oliver put thoughts into my head that i now can't retract.

elijah has made the last few months so memorable and easy because i felt so comfortable around him, but oliver, oliver brings the excitement and mystery my life is missing without him.

but don't want to spend another year just feeling 'comfortable'

mom and dad have been fighting more often than normal, dad's been leaving the house after every big row leaving me to pick up the pieces.

my mother won't show that she's hurting, she's good like that. she doesn't want me to worry the way she did when her parents split. but being kept in the dark almost feels worse.

i don't know how much longer they'll last, i thought love like theirs lasted forever. what hope should i hold now if even my parents can't hold on?

today i'm meeting with elijah because college starts in a few days and its not like i'll be seeing as often as i'd like, being in paris and all.

he's been acting strange around me after our encounter in the orchid. i apologised to him over and over after i took my sudden leave, but he just doesn't seem as comfortable as before.

walking the streets of crema has been a nice outlet for me the past couple of days, i've been writing and i'm even thinking about asking my father if i can get published like oliver.

"eli" the softness of his voice brings me back into the room, i shift under his weight and smile.

"sorry" i mutter, my voice a little raspy. was i asleep? he's laying on top of me with his head laid upon my chest. we're in my room, i like to stay hidden.

"how is your college schedule coming?" he asks me.

small talk again, i hate that our closeness evaporated like my feelings.

"it's fine, just class" i rambled in, filling he void of silence that had fallen between my boyfriend and i.

"what are you going to do on weekends?" more pointless babble.

"parties, study, write music. i won't know till i arrive" i run a hand through my slightly damp curls. we went swimming about an hour ago at the beach, he wanted to go to the lake (which i wasn't aware he knew about) turns out it wasn't my favourite spot, that's still mine and oliver's.

well not me and oliver's, just another place i associate with him.

"it was just a question" he defends himself, i sigh softly and allow my eyes to flutter shut again.

i feel him move on top of me to a sitting position, my eyes open once more.

"you know he likes you" he states.

i hum in response, my eyebrows drawing closer in confusion. does he know?

"i see the way you look at each other elio, i may not be as intellectual as you or your father but i know want when i see it, and god does he send it your way" his face is heated by the time he finishes.

"oliver?" i ask, my eyebrows in the same state

"who else? elio i don't want to be with you if you're going to be doing other things with him. don't do to me what he did to you" the words stung me, i shouldn't have told him about my past, my angry feelings always get the better of me.

"elijah there's nothing going on, you said it yourself, you see want. and i want you" that was a mistake, he's right i shouldn't be lying to him. this is going to have to end one way or another

"i want to believe you, but i think you need to decide what you want" he shifts on the bed

"i think i've made it clear", i run my hand up his arm, the same way oliver used to-

"i see how you look at him, i don't think the feelings are one sided. think about how you felt when he left, would you feel the same for me?" a good question.

"it's different with you" i speak too soon.

"don't explain it to me elio" the look on his face shows sadness, though his eyes look more relieved as he presses his lips to mine.

once he has left the room i collapse back onto my bed, is he right? did the feelings never leave? i know i'll love elijah after i leave, but if oliver really does look at me in that way then maybe i should pursue it?

but elijah, he's been nothing but perfect. sure he doesn't dominate me the way oliver does but it's different, i still love him. although oliver is my passionate love.

now, to another restless night of over-thinking the possibility of tomorrow.

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