The Guardian

Chapter Twenty-Four

Julianna took a deep breath. "This seems so overwhelming."

"Which part?"

"All of it. I was anticipating that I'd have to go but when I didn't hear anything, I thought Allyson got permission for me to stay on until I finished high school. Instead, they didn't decide to reject our petition until today. And that gives me only a week or so to get everything done and to acclimatize myself to the idea that I'm leaving."

"Surely they won't push you out the door if you don't have everything in place."

"I don't know. Allyson and I were talking about it when Seth came and picked me up. I never finished the conversation with her."

"That sounds like a conversation you need to finish. How are your impulses to cut yourself now that you know that you'll have to leave the group home?"

"There's a lot of security in living in the group home and I now feel like my security blanket has been ripped away from me. I've wanted to cut myself desperately since I found out this afternoon. It's been hard to handle. It's like part of my brain is focused on the difficulties that I have in front of me, and the other part of my brain is crying out for me to cut myself."

"Tell me about needing to cut yourself."

"What's there to tell? It's like there's a constant monologue happening in my head, and it's screaming at me to cut myself, to go ahead and do it, that it will all be all right as long as I just get out a knife and cut myself."

"What are you planning on using to cut yourself? Allyson took away your knife, didn't she?"

She looked down at her hands, at her feet, at the floor, anywhere other than at Michael. "I was thinking that I'd use one of the kitchen knives. It's my turn to do the dishes, so it would be easy to arrange for the knife to 'slip' and cut my arm."

"Will you do a deep cut, or will it be one of your scratches?"

"I don't think a scratch will do this time. I'll have to cut myself deeply for the satisfaction to be there."

"That's the problem with cutting. Eventually, scratches aren't enough to satisfy the need. Instead, why don't you take a benzodiazepine and go to sleep? It's another way of dealing with the pain that isn't so harmful."

"That's another option, but I don't think it'll do it this time. I think that I need to cut myself severely and deal with my upset that way."

"You say that you're upset. That's a pretty generic term. Can you describe to me more precisely how you're upset?"

"I don't know." She curled herself into a ball and started to rock slightly. "I feel overwhelmed and scared. Yeah, terrified has to be one of the descriptions for how I feel."

"Why do you feel terrified?"

"I did a lot of good things in that group home. I kicked my drinking and drug habits, I brought my marks up from failing to a ninety-six average, and I made some friends. Allyson is great – she honestly cares about me – and the girls in the home, although they may have their problems, could not be more supportive. We have all been through so much together. The thought of leaving that support is terrifying. What happens if I sink back into my drug and alcohol habits?"

"Do you think that you will?" said Michael, sounding a bit surprised. He thought about everything that she had overcome, and was happy that she was likely going to be living with Seth. He knew that, with Seth, she would be getting the support that she needed. And it would be good for Seth as well. He would be much happier if he could see Julianna every day without skulking around in the shadows. It would make his life immeasurably easier.