The Guardian

Chapter Thirty-Four

"Seth told you about his guardianship", said Michael as Julianna woke up. "What do you think about everything?"

"I think it's been a bloody waste of time."

"What do you mean?" he asked, startled by the vehemence in her voice.

A wave of anger washed over her. "For fourteen years I struggled and, if I had known that there was someone, a real person, who cared about me the way that Seth cares about me, if I had known that there was a family out there who wanted to adopt me, if I had known that someone out there thought that I was special just for being me, I would have avoided many of my problems in life."

"Yes, you probably would have. But you also would not have developed the strength and self-possession that you did. You'd be just another eighteen-year old."

"I'd have given up some of that strength and self-possession if I could have known that someone out there thought of me as being a good person, a worthwhile person." Tears of anger pooled in her eyes.

"I understand. And for the record, Seth and his family and Gabriel and myself have all been fighting to allow you to be adopted into Seth's family. It was only in the last week that the council allowed Seth to even let you know what was going on."

"I'm glad I know", she said. She looked ashamed for being angry.

"How are your self-harm instincts?"

"They have disappeared. I still hate myself, so I don't know if it's the medication dulling things down and that's why I don't want to cut myself, or whether it's knowing that Seth thinks I'm a worthwhile person and that he has my back that's eliminating the need to cut myself."

"How are your suicidal thoughts?"

"I don't know. On one hand, I feel so guilty and responsible for my mother's death and I don't think I can live with the pain, but on the other hand I feel so loved that I don't want to do anything that will upset Seth."

"And Seth wouldn't live if something happened to you. It isn't only that he couldn't live if you were dead. It's that he wouldn't want to anyway. How's the desire to drink?"

"Controlled. I doubt that I'll ever get rid of the desire, but I don't need it now that I know Seth is real and that he cares about me."

Michael nodded. "And he cares very much about you."

"That's what he said as well. And I love him as well."

"I know the last fourteen years have been tough on you, but they have also been tough on Seth. He has worried extensively about you. He wanted to get you into counselling with me a few years ago, but he couldn't bring it about. He tried, but nothing was working. In fact, I think he was glad when you came to the hospital and he could say that he had seen evidence of you cutting yourself. He was so thankful to finally be able to get you the support that you needed."

"I haven't made it easy on him, have I?"

"No, you haven't. But you didn't know that you were making his life difficult, and Seth was happy to bear that burden for you. All he could do was try to provide support through your dreams."

"Will he still be there in my dreams?" A wave of anxiety washed over her as she thought about giving up her nightly visits. She had relied upon seeing him in her dreams for so long.

"If you want him to be. He has a lot more leeway as to what he does to protect you now that you know about him."

She thought about that for a minute. "It makes me feel a little weird", she decided after a few minutes.