Matty Healy // i think we've done it all

sunset

i loved him. that was the first thing i thought when i woke. it was the only thing i seemingly thought anymore.
at the moment we are in the heart of LA while my boyfriend, matty, records his second album with his band.
i'm looking at him while i think these thoughts, he's asleep, he will never know the thoughts that flood my head while he sleeps.
i met him when we were sixteen when we met, it was at a house party in the middle of manchester. my friend had told me about him a few weeks prior but he didn't cross my mind until i met him at that party.
and then that was it, it was like my thoughts belonged to him. and i loved it. i was no longer maya, and he was no longer matty. we were maya and matty.
i didn't want to be my own person, everything i had was his and everything that he had was mine.
when his band got signed and he toured i stayed behind like the perfect girlfriend. i turned a blind eye to all the girls that flooded his tagged on instagram, i forgot the nights he called me stoned and wasted. i didn't let it be real because i couldn't exists without him

"what are you thinking about babe?" matty asked waking up and interrupting my thoughts. i smiled at his childish grin
"things" i replied
"things?" he asked
"you recording today?" i asked
"yeah, shit what time is is?" he asked picking his phone up
"fuck i gotta go" he said springing from the bed and walking towards the door,
"see you later maya"
"bye" i called
"oh and maya?" he added
"yeah?"
"love you"
"love you!" i replied

and that was it. i now has the whole day to myself. to belong to myself. i stretches in the double bed we shared, taking up the space. i rolled over to pick my phone up, flooded with messages and missed calls i sighed.

3 new messages from
"debra, work"

debra: if you're good for that shoot make sure you're here on tuesday
debra: wear denim
debra: be here at 6!

i rubbed my head, i was a model and i worked for a local company in LA while here. i never wanted to be a model. ever. but when we moved to LA four months ago i felt so useless just sitting around, i had to do something. then at a party me and matty went to debra spotted me. and that was it. i was now a signed model in LA with a rockstar boyfriend. i had it all. but i still wasn't fulfilled

2 new messages from
"gabby"

gabby: hey wanna grab lunch?
gabby: new avocado place opened at the mall!

gabby was a girl i worked with, pretty enough. we were the same age, both twenty and new to LA. i had moved to LA completely alone apart from the boys and matty, when i met her at a shoot it felt perfect. she was so sweet, she knew no one too since she'd since moved from australia to pursue her career.

1 new message from
"george"

george: wanna grab some food 2moro, matty is on long shift

george was in the band with matty, he left his girlfriend when we moved to LA for the album. caroline, his ex, was one of my best friends back in england, of course now we rarely spoke. the breakup was mutual. she had a job back at home and couldn't move, george couldn't do long distance. but i knew they were meant for one another, they would find their way back.

i stayed in bed for another hour before the clock hit 11am. i pulled myself out and called gabby
"hey!" my favourite australian sang down the phone
"lunch then?" i asked
"i'm up for it!"
"see you at the grove at 12"
"of course gabs" i smiled and ended the call. she was still a bit of a stranger but i was determined to become good friends.
after all, she was really the only friend i had out here.

i walked to the open plan wardrobe pulling out mom jeans from top shop and my white bralette. sighing i looked in the mirror, i'd started to hate the way i looked lately. i was skinny and 5ft6. my hair was mousy brown and my eyes deep green.
i was was "perfect" in the eyes of the modelling company i worked for. but i worked hard for my body, and sometimes i questioned if it was worth it. i grabbed my brush and ran it through my mousy locks and grabbed my chanel backpack and vans old school i walked out the door down to the grove to meet gabby.

it was little more than a 10 minute walk, i thought about all the issues i was having. were they issues? or was i just unhappy. i loved matty, i really did. his success and band had brought him so much love and attention and he loved it. i just wished we could go back to that night at he party, the one where he saw me across the room, where we were sixteen and our biggest worry was wondering when the next party would be or if we'd get served at the shop. i wished they were still out worries. i wished i didn't have to worry about him cheating, i wished we could go back

"earth to maya?" gabby laughed waving a hand in front of my face
"sorry i zoned out there" i giggled. i looked at her, her hair was dirty blonde and her eyes a gorgeous blue. her figure was perfect, she wore a blue button up denim skirt and white singlet top.
"you look nice" gabby commented
"please i just rolled out of bed! you look really good gabby"
"i love you!" she told me
"and i you. now where is this new avocado place you've been talking about?"
"just up into the mall, not far" she replied. we began to walk, the hot air scorching our backs
"how's things?" she asked
"i don't know, me and matty barley talk. i miss being in england" i told her, she nodded
"have you told matty how you feel?" she replied, i shook my head
"i'm going to bring things up tonight i think. i just .. we have been together so long you know? i don't want to mess that up because i'm a little unsure" i sighed
"just make you happy" she said as if it was simple. i shrugged. thankfully we had reached the restaurant. we went in and ordered avocado on toast. very LA of us. we settled with our ice tea by the window talking about new modelling opportunities
"i might get to go home soon" she gushed, i was happy for her. we were both so young and i knew she missed her family, she'd cried to me often about them
"i'm so happy for you gab!"
"it's for a sydney magazine! i can barley believe it" she smiled. once our food arrived we ate in silence, just muttering how good the food was. after we ate we went our separate ways and promised to call
"are you working tomorrow?" i asked before she left
"no? i didn't think anyone was?" she replied clearly confused
"oh ... debra asked me to come in is all" , she shuttled her shoulders
"um never mind probably something trivial, see ya!" i said walking back towards our flat.

when i got home i saw matty was still out, i walked to the shower turning it on. the cold water hit my body like ice. i felt free. i washed my hair, taking extra care shaving as i knew i would be shooting tomorrow. once i was done i towel dried my hair and shrugged on some white lacey underwear and matching bra before throwing on a red oversized t-shirt and sparking up a menthol.
i waited until 3am for matty, he stumbled through the door, drunk. sighing i helped him into bed
"i love you" he muttered
"love you too" i sighed