Matty Healy // i think we've done it all

if i believe u

20th of december

the months went by and everything stayed the same, it was a good the same though. me, amelia and liam would party most nights and get up the next like nothing happened.
i rarely saw matty and was completely fine with it, there were times it's still ached and i felt completely alone, but it passed, everything passed.
work was okay, i didn't mind it. the long hours filled me with something other than the cold london air. i knew gabby had become worried about me due to my party habits but i didn't care, who was she to tell me anything after what she did to me. jake and i spoke but not a lot, this one hurt the most i guess, i didn't know how to fix it. everything was water right now, cool and fast with me just floating in and amongst it. i didn't fight it, i had no fight left in me.
it was almost christmas, amelia and liam we're going to their parents for christmas, i wasn't. i was going to be alone, on christmas. i didn't care for my family so this was the better option. still sad though.

today i didn't have work so it was a free day for me to lounge around feeling sorry for myself. i ddi this a lot.
i hated to admit it but losing matty had finally began to hit me, i hadn't let it the first few months. i stayed busy, parties, friends, drugs and alcohol.
but now my friends had gone back to their parents and all the drugs had stopped working, i realised i was alone.
before even when me and matty were bad he was still all i had, even through the cheating and lies and tears, he was all i had.

dragging myself from my bed i moved to the balcony and lit up a cigarette, this was the only constant i had lately, the cigarette to start the day. i'd disabled my smoke alarm in the apartment (stupid i know) so i walked back through to the open plan kitchen with my cigarette and started to boil the kettle. taking a drag the coffee began to boil.
i meant against the countertop and pressed my eyes shut wishing for things to go back even though they weren't much better before.
the kettle was finally done and the black coffee was in my hand.

i settles myself on the sofa with my coffee before putting out my cigarette into the ash tray and picking up a book i'd been meaning to read for months i started on the first page.
the book was dense, about moving on from a long term relationship, it was something i needed right now.
the book read

moving on is hard! there's no way around that and i don't think there ever will be. but in these steps i am going to show you how to begin

i smiled,

step 1.
confront them, i think this is important. you need closure to everything that happened before you can even begin to heal.
no matter how hard it is, you need that final goodbye, the final peace of mind before you can accept it.
also giving back all their possessions and getting yours back is a good place to start from

i rubbed my eyes, was the goodbye we had in LA closure? no. it didn't give me closure, it was anger and hurt and all our emotions heightened. i knew i had to sit down with him like the adults we were, months had passed with us vaguely meeting and avoiding each other at all costs. maybe i was ready to talk it out, lay everything bare.

now was as good a time as any, i walked to my waderobe and pulled out a pair of black skinny jeans and a bardot white top, i put on some white ankle socks and picked my leather healed boots.
i found a basket of mattys stuff, mainly just his black t-shirts and an old ring he gave me once. i packed the last photograph we had together and it hit me, i'd had matty healy in my life since i was 16. i recoiled to my bed where i sat for a moment, it didn't feel real. he really was everything to me for four years and i didn't ever think we would end. i guess that's what happens when you grow up with someone

i shrugged on my leather jacket before heading out of the door and walking to his apartment a few doors down.
my heart was racing the whole way, i knew if i did this i would have to accept we were truly over even though it had been a good few months since LA now.
the december air was cold in london so i wanted this to be over quickly as possible so i could cuddle up in the heat, i knocked twice before he answered.

his face was worn, he looked older. confusion covered his face before he gave me a small smile
"hey" he said his breathe shooting into the cold air turning into smoke. his eyes darted to the box i was holding
"could i um ... can we talk?" i asked my voice barley leaving my body, he nodded and opened the door a little wider.
once in his apartment he gestured to the the open plan living room with a sofa and two chairs, i sat on the right hand side of the sofa and let the box stay in the middle. he chose the chair opposite me and sat down.
i took this moment to study him, the black skinny jeans made me laugh, nothing much had changed, my eyes locked onto the grey sweatshirt and white socks. his hair was a mess, covering his head in curls and black locks, i missed seeing him.

he cleared his throat and i was brought back down to reality, the reality in which we aren't together and haven't been for months
"okay, um firstly here's your stuff" i said handing him the box, he rifled through it before pulling out the photo of us both on the beach, it was an old photo, we were only 18 and matty had just got a car that morning.
i remember we left manchester and drove to brighton, a long trip in a small shitty car.
but the hours passed like sand and the actual sand was golden warm once we arrived.
we were so happy that day, poor, young and in love.
i closed my eyes and remembered i was here to for closure
"this was so long ago" he said his eyes not leaving the page, i daren't speak incase i cried, his eyes met mine and i shot a faint smile
"so in the book i'm reading about moving on, it says i need closure. we didn't really get that in LA, just anger" i said once a few moments had passed, he nodded
"okay, what do you want to know?" he asked, i didn't expect him to be this open and willing to help me.
"i guess lets start with the gabby thing, you never really told me why" i mumbled, i could feel my broken heart shattering, he shifted around on his seat clearly uncomfortable with what i asked
"it was late one night and you'd gone away with jake for a weekend shoot. gabby came round to our flat crying looking for you, she was lonely and sad and i was lonely and high. misery really does love company i guess" he said, i couldn't tell if he was trying to justify what he'd done
"i regret it you know" he added
"you do?" i asked with a touch of snark, his eyes met mine, brown and spilling over
"of course i do, i lost you"
i smiled, he didn't try to justify it, he was lonely and in a bad place, it didn't make it okay but i was beyond it all
"let's be honest matty, we lost one another way before that"
his eyes flashed with anger and hurt before they cleared to vacant
"i wish we could go back" he told me
"do it right this time, i'd ask you about LA instead of just going. we would speak more and voice our concerns and-"
i stopped him before he could go any further
"we can't go back matty"
his head dropped to his hands and he let out a sigh
"i know" he said quietly
i looked at the space between us, we use to be inseparable like truly inseparable. now there was a whole living room stretching out between us and i didn't see a way we could reconnect
"let me get your stuff" he said
"huh?" i asked taken back
"well you gave me mine, let me get yours"
i was surprised, i didn't think he'd kept anything of mine let alone a box full.

i took this time to let my eyes wonder round his apartment, i knew he and george both lived here. the layout was the same to mine but it was bare compared.
i guess they would be going on tour soon so it wouldn't matter what was here, just a pit stop.
i let my eyes linger on his door which he closed once he went to retrieve my stuff, i wonder if he had girls in there? stop i scolded myself, that's nothing to do with you, he's a grown man and can do whatever. why does it still hurt then? i questioned myself, i shrugged my inter monologue off

he returned with a box filled with things, fabric and photos, books and other pieces
"thanks" i said returning the box
"i'll look through it later" i mumbled
"did you get tour closure?" he asked as he sat back down, i met his eyes
"i don't know, it feels like-"
"like you don't wanna let go?" he asked, my eyes met his and i nodded
"i know that's stupid, we are done i know. but my heart ... your all i know" i said
"i feel the same, after everything, all the years and memories it just seems so ... final? like not us"
"i didn't think i'd ever have to say goodbye to you" i told him
"me neither" he said moving to the couch and sitting on the other end to me with my box in the middle.
his hand met mine and i felt a little more at peace than before
"maybe we should try again?" he suggested, my mind raced and my plan was still in his, i wanted to say yes
say yes! say yes! my internal monologue begged.
his hands were warm and his eyes pleaded with mine
"yes"