Matty Healy // i think we've done it all

new start

i woke up with the cold air hanging around my shoulder, i pulled the duvet tighter around me and pulled my MacBook from the bottom of my bed, switching it on I logged on and brought up a ton of shopping sites. I had money to spend and a lot of clothes to buy.
The first thing to go into my cart was a burgundy pair of doc martins, the next a coup,e satin dresses, chic and stylish. i knew i'd be attending a lot of house parties now i was back in london and i was excited.
i slipped some chunky knit sweaters in alongside many jeans and denim skirts as well as some bras.

i ignored my phone knowing i had messages due to the buzzing that had been happening all morning.
i wasn't ready to face the music of work, friends or the possibility of matty.
i also knew i had to leave my flat before i went insane, i thought about texting amelia or liam to see if there was anything on tonight, i didn't feel like staying home alone. i knew i would be alone a lot now and that's something i needed to deal with.
i reaches for my phone before seeing it flashing with messages and missed calls. i ignored everything and went straight to our group message

amelia and liam gc

maya: anything on 2nite?
amelia: duh
liam: there is always something on ur in london
maya: u kno what i mean
amelia: house party?
liam: pls say house party
maya: i'm in bitches!
liam: YESS
amelia: see u at bethnal green bby

i smiled, i hadn't been to a house party since i was 18, this would be a good change for me.

before 2pm i'd been briefed that when you're 20 house parties work a little different, there's still cheap vodka and terrible wine, but instead of doing weed and scrapping pennies together for acid, you do coke. "it's more refined" amelia told me, i couldn't help but laugh.

as time went on i decided i should start to get ready, i brushed and straightened my hair before applying a thin layer of brow gel, i would finish my makeup off later if i had time, i wasn't too fussed. i stood on the balcony before returning to get dressed, the wind was around my bare shoulder as i lit up a cigarette.
the menthol floated around me the smoke staying out before disappearing into thin air. i sighed. it was a metaphor for everything in my life lately.

i checked my phone before pulling clothes out of my wardrobe to be greeted by texts from george, matty and gabby

george

george: i rly am sorry, maybe give him a chance?

i laughed, i didn't want to give him a chance, did i? i was a strong woman who didn't need a man in her life, i was doing fine without him. i left him on seen without a reply.

gabby

gabby: hey bby just checking london is ok .. miss u, let's do something soon

i smiled, despite everything i did miss gabby. yes what she did really hurt me but i was passed the hurt now, mostly. i only held anger for matty, not her. i replied with a simple

maya: soon!! come see me, london is gorg

i left matty last on purpose, maybe i was scared to see what he had put. i knew it could be exactly what i wanted to hear or the opposite

matty:

matty: can we talk?

i half smiled, just for a minute before putting my phone down on charge and walking to my dressing table to retrieve my black nail polish. it was nice he wanted to talk but i still needed space from him. i honestly don't think i will ever be able to find it in my heart to take him back. and that's a feeling i couldn't shake, it stayed on my shoulders. i didn't want to be thinking of matty tonight, it was my night and he wouldn't intrude so i pushed him to the back of my mind and decided that's where he would stay.

i walked to my wardrobe and pulled out a north face coat along with doc martins, and a black body con dress. simple but effective. i looked at myself in the mirror, my hair was .. too me. i needed a change so i mentally added it to my "to do" list. i pulled out lipgloss and slicked on some mascara. ready! i walked outside throwing my keys into my pocket along with my debit card, phone and cigarettes.
i saw matty on the balcony smoking, his hair hanging over his forehead and covering his eyes, he was dressed in skinny black jeans and a white t-shirt. nothing special. he saw me and for a moment i felt i could run to him, for a moment it felt like we were old us. i shrugged the feeling off before turning on my heel and walking towards the tube station.
right now i was in Camden and i needed to meet amelia and liam in bethnal green. i smiled as i swiped my card and walked down the statues to the underground. the air was chilly and everyone around me was seemingly going out.
of course they were. this was london. in LA nightlife was clubs and dressing in gucci. in london you could go out with £20 and in a basic outfit and have the night of your life.
the tube pulled up the wind wrapped around my bare legs since the black body vin only reached mid thigh. i hopped on and took a seat near a pole, once i sat down i felt nervous, i hadn't been to a part in years. what if i felt out of place? no, surely it would be fine. i re tied my doc martins boots, and caught a glimpse of myself in the tube window. my eyes flashed with anger and sadness before returning to a cool blue.

i don't know how much time passed but soon we pulled up at bethnal green and i got off to be greeted by my friends
"hey baby" amelia said pulling me into a hug, she smelt of weed and was dressed in a short vinyl skirt, red, paired with a black tank top and teddy bear coat,
"heya" liam also said, he was dressed in black mom jeans with black high top converse and a white shirt with a bum bag around his torso. he looked good, they both did. i smiled at them before linking my arms through theirs and sliding into the middle
"let's go have fun" i said in between giggles as we rushed off out of the station and into the cool night