Matty Healy // i think we've done it all

k bye

sickness. i felt sick. like id made a mistake for the first few hours. id previously sorted a cheap flat in case this happened. as soon as i arrived "home" i cried. i had nothing here, just a suitcase. i would need to go back at some point before they left and went home. but, i couldn't face that any time soon. 

in the commencing hours, i cooked pasta and sat on the edge of my new bed. i unpacked my bag. i the bottom, in a ball was mattys black tshirt. i sat down inhaling his smell, it lingered even here. holding the cloth to my face fat tears rolled down my cheeks. i covered my mouth and began to scream throwing it at the wall. this wasn't fair. of course, i loved him and i left without even a goodbye. 

i tore off my clothes and dove into the bed, staying at the left side i realized the other half was cold. there was nobody there anymore. i didn't have to stay at my side, the whole bed was mine.  i didn't check my phone, i heard it blowing up, calls, texts, notifications. i turned it off an tossed it to the floor. 

it was only 9 pm now, all day id spent crying and cooking food. sorting my clothes out and staring out of the big window in my new bedroom. i had a flat to myself now and that felt weird. i was also single. that too was weird. it has never been alone like this. i knew i could do it though, i wasn't going to sit here forever, but it lost a big part of myself and i needed time to grieve for that. i was going to be okay. so was matty. this was what we needed. clean break, this was the right way. wasn't it?

my mind clouded, did he really care. the late nights and forgotten texts did he even care we were over. it was easy enough for me to leave, perhaps it was easy for him to accept it. but of course, it want easy for me, in fact, my heart was shattered as was i. im so torn, perhaps i made a msitake. 

at 3 am i checked my phone, texts flooded, none from Matty. nothing expect one voicemail from him. i raised my phone to my ear and listened down the line, at first there was nothing but muffled noises and faint cries

",,, im sorry maya, i fuked up. im sorry, i dint listen and spend more time with you, you are so important. we don't owe anything to ourslevs, especially our sixteen-year-old selves but we owe something to ourselves now, a goodbye at least. im sorry, i really am and i know i should be angry or sad but im just empty maya, i need a goodbye at least. a proper one. lets dp it tommroow, the beach because we felt so free there when we moved here all those months ao. let's drink and try and say our parts. i understand its the end od us but give me this. i will love you forever i promise"

to say i wasn't expecting that was an understatement. i think id made the biggest mistake of my life