Matty Healy // i think we've done it all

lies

it hurt i couldn't lie.

i didn't want to leave LA now. but if i stayed, that meant the end for me and matty. he wasn't home yet and it was 10 pm.

i knew he was at the studio late tonight but i didn't think it would be this late. he new i hated being alone all night.

i sighed and stepped out of my clothes replacing them with velvet bed shirts and a tank top. i tied my hair in a messy bun and climbed into bed
i didn't have work tomorrow so i grabbed my MacBook and switched a movie on. at one am matty was home, he climbed beside me and smiled

"you're beautiful you know?" , he was drunk but looking at his face i couldn't help but fall in love all over
" how was work?" i asked him
"good" he nodded smiling at me with the biggest grin
"we go home in a couple weeks" he finally let out, he was ecstatic. the look on his face i ... i couldn't tell him right now. instead, i squealed and told him i was so happy. a couple of months ago i would have been. not now. i was settled. i couldn't leave. but i couldn't leave matty...could i?
smiling at him i turned the bedside light off and settled into the sheets, his arm snaked around my waist and i smiled settling my head on the pillow. i felt sick, in less than a week i would leave everything. my friends, my job, my life. i couldn't breathe. i was so proud of him and the boys but it was fucking suffocating me.id played the happy proud girlfriend for so long and i couldn't keep the act up. i was crumbling and i wanted to live. i didn't want to be mattys girlfriend i wanted to be maya. i wanted to be whole again

the next day

when i woke it was 11 am and matty was nowhere to be found. he had already left for the studio. before he would always leave a note or wake me softly and kiss me goodbye. i sighed. it wasn't like it uses to be i think that's what prompted me.i thought about everything, properly. the way he didnt kiss me softly or hum songs under his bretath. nothing was easy with hm. and it use to be so so easy. we both deserved more and i think it was time to leave i

went into the closet and got my suitcase out. i packed everything into the case, everything else i left, i could come back. i grabbed a pen and paper and scrawled a goodbye, tears streamed down my face as i did. the end of an era.

matty, I'm sorry god i am. in fact, I'm crying while writing this, it hurts. i can't leave LA. i have a job and friends and i think you know better than anyone that this isn't working out. if i love back to the uk i will be sad and bring you down and i refuse to do that. I've finally found my footing and i think i belong here matty. i hope you find someone who laughs at your jokes and begs you to teach them guitar like i did when we were young. i think we refused to part because it was like we owed our sixteen-year-old selves something.. maybe the promise of us. but we don't matty, we were so young and it was so long ago.
i will always love you.
the other day i told george he would always find his way back to Caroline and i meant it. perhaps the same is true for us?

with the note left on our bed i wiped my tears and picked myself up. i shut the door to the apartment and walked out. i didn't look back, not once